Who Are We Relying On?

When it comes to the burdens of life, my goals, aspirations, fears, dreads, and joys, I find myself way too overcome. Way too often. This stems from many different things, one of which is (MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF) fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of hurt, pain, ridicule. Fear of failure. Fear of man. Fear of rejection. I often recognize this but for some reason wallow in this than to do the right, next thing. I need wisdom!

James 1:5 reminds us where our wisdom comes from:

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking.

And this asking involves prayer. This is one area that our over-confident, individualized and self-centered culture is good at avoiding. This seems to be our "last resort" instead of first impulse.

Isaiah reminds the people of Israel this. He gives two little lines of soul-searching, knife-piercing insight to the reason for the judgment coming on Israel.

Isaiah 22:11b

But you never ask for help from the One who did all this.
    You never considered the One who planned this long ago.

These two little lines reveal the depths of the human heart when we try to live this life apart from our Creator. We need His help and no matter what we are going through, we must consider His sovereignty and perfect plan for our lives.

So whether you are fearing the violent acts of international/national terrorism or striving to understand or live in the midst of the social injustices taking place in our country, be certain of this. HE KNOWS! HE SEES! HE WILL REMAIN FAITHFUL! But, we must seek wisdom in all these things.

So I seek Him today.

Precious Jesus, As I sit here speaking to You, I am rejoicing that you are a LIVING God. You are fully aware of my plight as well as those in China, France, and Baton Rouge. I am reminded of your faithfulness in my life as I look back on decisions we faced, then made and no without a shadow of a doubt that you gave us the wisdom we needed.

Today, God, there is a part of my heart that is in a battle over fear. Fear for my childrens' futures, but for their present day as well. You promise wisdom, so I am asking. I am asking for healing for our nation, but most of all for your body. We are so divided right now. Bring reconciliation. Help us all to look outside of our own feelings and "rights" and see you desire for us to live loving one another more important than ourselves. This is when Your bride will be at her most beautiful state. Reflecting Your Light. Showing the Glory of You in all of creation, especially in each ethnic race as fearfully and wonderfully made.

As our freedoms in this life seem to diminish more and more, sometimes on a daily level, empower us to live in that contradiction; wanting freedom but ever knowing that true freedom comes as we give ourselves as slaves and bondservants to you. Empower us by your Holy Spirit to trust you and live by an active faith.

Sometimes, Lord, I seem to be a broken record, but I know you want me to keep asking, seeking, and knocking. You promise to lavish us with wisdom when we ask you without doubting. So please do this Lord. For Your Name's Sake.

Continuous Encouragement

Today, this is what I read in The Quiet Place, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss,

"At times the call of God on our lives may require us to relinquish things or people we can't imagine living without. But the promises of God provide a powerful antidote to all our fears. They free us to step out in faith and surrender."

This word surrender...has crossed my path four times today. All in the story of Hannah and Samuel. Four different times. Four different ways. Three friends and a devotional.

Now that I think about it, my beautiful sister, wrote me a note and prayer many years ago as we were praying for a child. Before we adopted "Hoss". A prayer that was similar to Hannah's prayer for a son. Now today, I sit frozen on my knees asking God to give my boy back. 

But what if God is wanting "Hoss" to be right where he is to do something amazing in his life all for God's glory? What if God is going to use this deep dark valley in his life to start a flame that burns brightly for the Master Gardener?

(By the way, I sure like thinking about these "what ifs" better than some others.)

As we prayed with our neighbors tonight, a dear sweet brother, prayed for "Hoss". He described "Hoss" as broken clay pot. One that had already been made once, but was now laying in pieces. He described the many hands helping to put him back together as all those who God has orchestrated to be involved in "Hoss'" life. Through this trial, God has placed believers everywhere in our lives. Neighbors. Attorney. Family Coach. And of course, our fellow brothers and sisters who are earnestly praying day in and day out for us. 

Trust. Surrender. God, You are with us and will never leave us.

Psalm 119:50 "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life."

The Next Leg of This Journey

March 4th.

The ticket is purchased.

"Hoss" is headed back to Florida. Not home, yet. But will only be 15 minutes away. The Lord has allowed an opening the same school he attended when he came home 2 years ago. They have group homes there as part of their ministry, so now we have the opportunity to try to restore our relationship. We will have much more time to talk and see him. It's pretty much impossible to do from so far away.

We appreciate your prayers as we strive to follow God's lead in this. One thing we've learned as our three oldest have all become teenagers is we hit our knees so much more often lifting them up to the Master of their hearts. The easier road would be to keep Josh where he is at. Agape Boarding School has been exactly what we needed for the last three years. They have gone above and beyond to love our son while we couldn't. But, it is time to get to know our boy again.

Prayer for the following requests are coveted:

* God to still pull "Hoss"' heart in the direction of His will.
* "Hoss" to fully surrender his entire life, will, and desires.
* Peaceful transition to this new school.
* God's blessings on the staff at Agape and now Legacy.
* The ability for "Mr. Cartright" and I to fight any anxiety in the process.
* God to be glorified.

This road is one of so many twists and turns, but thankful to our Lord for His hand being with us all the way.

Stop the Questions!

So, I'm reading through Job again. 

Enough said!

I could end my post here, and most of you would understand. But, alas, I will share my thought.

God takes a man who walks closely with the Lord; a man the Bible calls blameless and upright and allows Satan to sift him. He allowed everything to be taken or destroyed, except his very life. He had no Godly counsel, no helpful encouragement, or a supportive wife. He did what most of us would do. He starts questioning God.

Why? What have I done? Why doesn't God hear?

He begins to wish life was the way it used to be. He remembers the joys and sweetness of life.

Been there. Done that.

He hears from three "friends" who think they are doing Job a service. They really are pouring salt into his already infected wounds.

Then God speaks.

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding."

"Who set its measurements? Since you know. Or who stretched the line on it? On what were its bases sunk? Or who laid its cornerstone, When the morning stars sand together And all the sons of God shouted for joy?"

"Or who enclosed the sea with doors when, bursting forth, it went out from the womb; When I made a cloud its garment and thick darkness its swaddling band, And I placed boundaries on it and set a bolt and doors, and I said, 'Thus far you shall come, but no farther; and here shall your proud waves stop'?"

"Have you ever in your life commanded the morning, and caused the dawn to know its place, that it might take hold of the ends of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?"

This is just the beginning of God's deep questioning of Job. And I realize before I can verbalize it that I am needing to hear these questions too. I am waffling between trust and those "whys".

I am tempted to shut Job out and go on to those wonderful Psalms. But, I will continue to dig deep with a heart cracked open (again) to myself and my heart that needs to confess where I struggle. Here I find my knees getting worn and my voice getting hoarse. 

But this Creator of mine knows before I speak.

Our Great High Priest

I can't do this life thing alone. Yes, I sure am thankful for "Mr. Cartwright", but that's not who I'm talking about. Things are shoved in our paths of life. Things we would rather not have thrown at us. But the older I get, the more I get it and at times can actually thank the Lord for it. It's not as if Jesus is up there hurling these circumstances my way thoughtlessly. He intends for these things to be used to produce in me good works that would glorify Him and point others to Himself.

Hebrews 7:25 reminds me of His great sacrifice and love. He doesn't leave us all alone. "Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always live to make intercession for them."

Jesus saves us and then walks with us as we draw near to the Father. He prays for us too. What an amazing truth. If you are His child, He is with you. Nudging and wooing you closer to His Father.

So as I contemplate each day and way too often wish and desire for things to be different in certain areas, I surrender my will. I know that Christ is my all. I know that His love is greater than any other love on this earth. I know that He is working all things together for my good and His glory. I know He is with me. Always. 

He is with you too. Rest in this thought today, friends. It may seem unbearable at times, all this life stuff; but, our Jesus is praying for us. 

Misc and Prayer

The Puebla Ponderosa has been crazy lately. Crazy, as in, a new kitten trying to get along with the dog and the new kitten becoming very friendly with the birds. Hopefully, very soon, we will all be one happy family. Oreo, the new kitten, was an early birthday gift from "Little Joe" to "Inger". She is delighted. "Cochise", the dog, not so much.

On another note, we are asking that you would pray for wisdom concerning a decision for our Christmas visit with "Hoss." He continues to do well, having turned a corner, we pray. God really used my visit out there, along with his broken hand, to humble him and (hopefully) make him more dependent on him. Could you please keep me in your prayers, too? I struggle with anxiety concerning this boy-man of mine. I know (with my head) God is in control. It takes a while for my heart to follow. I love him with all my heart.

Thoughts...They Get so Muddled at Times

Our minds are amazing little creatures. So powerful. So controlling. So creative. God has made them to actually recreate paths and neurotransmitters.


They can be used to so much good and so much evil. And I am convinced this is one of the ways Satan attacks us and tries to get  us down.


Today's verse I have been meditating on all day.


Isaiah 55:8-9
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts; neither your ways My ways declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts."


Our mind must be in line with the mind of Christ. He must be our forethought otherwise, we automatically start going down the slippery slope of twisted thinking. 


So, I encourage you friends, before your feet hit the floor, pray for the mind of Christ to infiltrate your thinking. And of course, this means we must be in the Word and communion with Him. For He is our strength. He is the only Way. He is.


Speak to your soul. Tell self:


"Why are you downcast, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God for I shall again praise Him, my Salvation and my God." Psalm 43:5

A Wall of Prayer

I have an idea.

And I would love your help.

The Puebla Ponderosa knows there are many people out there who have been praying for "Hoss". For God to do a work of redemption, forgiveness and reconciliation. Right now this seems like an impossibility, but I know our God is a God of miracles. I struggle with unbelief. So to help my unbelief, I am asking that any of you who have been praying to please send me a letter or prayer to "Hoss" that I can post on a wall in our home and eventually put in a book for him to have in the future. I want him to see with his own eyes the testimony and prayers of others and how God acted. 


I don't presume that things will go better from here on out. In fact, we are experiencing much more fracture in our relationship as of late, but as Charles Spurgeon says, "Never give up praying, even when Satan suggests that prayer is in vain....If the heavens are brass and your prayer only echoes above your head, pray on!If month after month your prayer appears to be miscarried, if you have had no answer, continue to draw close to the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy seat for any reason. If it is a good thing that you have been asking for, and  if you are sure that it is according to the divine will, wait, tarry, pray, weep, plead, wrestle, and agonize until you get what you are praying for." - Beside Still Waters, pg.242


This is our prayer. If you would like to be part of this, please email us anything from a letter to "Hoss" or a prayer for him to  pueblas4jesus@tampabay.rr.com.


How exciting to envision us being able to present a book to him one day full of testimonies, prayers and encouragement by people he may never meet.


Let's storm the gates of heaven!

The Bottle's Full....Again.

Swollen Eyes. Red Face. Migraine. All these are signs of the deep valley in my life.
The tears have flowed freely today. I ask the many already asked questions to the Lord.

"Why can't things be normal...and "Hoss" be home and happy?"
"What happened and why, why, why?"
"Why?"
"What could I have done different?"

I come out of the cave...and the phone rings.

Agape is letting us know "Hoss" has hurt his eye. E.R. visit. No bleeding just an eyeball bruise and pain.
Pain that a mommy should be there to comfort. Pain that I know my Heavenly Father can use to attend "Hoss'" heart.

More tears. And prayers.

Don't worry, friends. I will come around. I trust the Almighty. I know He is working.

Time to self-talk.

My bottle's full again.

Psalm 56:8 "You have kept count of my tossings.; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"

Quietly Resting

These two words are few and far between in my vocabulary and yet, much often needed. Especially when it comes to savoring time with my Savior.


Too many times I come to Him full of questions needing answers; a to-do list for Him; definitely thinking I know what my day holds and how I'll make it through.


Psalm 46:10a reminds me, "Be still and know that I am God."


Stillness is something I have to work hard at.


And then there are the distractions. Computer, Telephone, children, thoughts of my day, pondering memories. And the much dreaded Facebook. All these things are good and yet, can hold me captive from QUIETLY RESTING.


Choose.


This is the key. I must choose to make this a priority. I must not delay. I must discipline myself.
For I know when I am QUIETLY RESTING I have chosen the one good thing. I am missing out on the others. But they really don't matter or compare.


My Savior asks this of me. He desires nothing else but to see me on my knees trusting Him and being still.


For when I am quiet I can hear.


He has the words that are life.

Just a Touch of His Ministering Spirit

I don't know if I have ever experienced the intensity of people's prayers like I did last night and today. God knows how much I can take. After a tough end to the week, I put on my smiling face to meet with brothers and sisters. GOD MET ME!


A sweet friend let me know, 
"Last night (Saturday) your boy was really on my heart. I don't know why but I lifted him before the Lord." 
Thank You, Jesus.


We came home from church and made our phone call to our son that we are able to do every other week. He sounded down. My voice broke at the end of the conversation. I try not to cry with him listening. I couldn't help it, yesterday. We hung up. I broke. My heart actually felt broken in two pieces. My chest hurt. My love held me. I got up to love on my other treasures. As I checked email I found this:
"I just want you to know that I am praying for your whole family today." 
Thank you Jesus!

The rest of the night ended well. Sleep was fitful. I rose early to seek my Savior for strength and help. Another of my sweet friends posted this on my wall:

"Verses from this morning's reading... Psalm 123:1-3 NKJV  Unto You I lift up my eyes, Behold, as the eyes of servants look to the hand of their masters, As the eyes of a maid to the hand of her mistress, So our eyes look to the Lord our God, Until He has mercy on us. Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us! Hope you are encouraged. Love you and am praying for you today." Thank You, Jesus!

School went great. Spelling arrives as well as a call and email from my sister.

"Hey, sis- I meant to tell you last night I had an overwhelming urge to pray for you while I was cleaning up the kitchen.  Of, course, I have "Hoss'" picture on my window sill, but I felt such sorrow while I prayed. I almost felt what you were feeling. I love you and am so thankful we have the Lord to carry us through such times as these. If I was there, I'd give you a big hug. Love you." 

Thank You, Jesus. 

So needless to say, I have cried many more tears. This time out of thankfulness to God. I wonder what He is doing. I also wonder what the enemy has wished to destroy. I know the power of God is incredible. There must have been some spiritual battles waging of which I do not know.

I raise my hands in praise.

(Those of my sweet bloggy friends who have left messages, I thank you as well.)

My Heart's Cry...

for my son.

.

Away From Home

So we're told, "He knows why he's here."

We do too.

And yet, we wish He were here.

Home. A safe place where love is lavished on all who reside.
Home. A secure place where each member knows about Our Great God.
Home. Two parents who strive to live each day loving each other and the Lord.
Home. Home. Home.

I often wonder when he will be able to say, "I'm glad I'm home. This is my home. I'm thankful for my home."

I wish I could read his mind and make him believe. But I can't!

So I keep on knocking. My knuckles hurt. So I put on my boxing gloves and fight as I knock.

Fight against self and my wants.
Fight with the Word against the powers of the world and darkness.
Fight for our Son, which he will be forever.

The Spiritual Realm

I woke up yesterday. The clock looked back at me. 4:50 a.m. The sounds of clanging in the kitchen were heard as my hubby prepared for his day. 


I knew the alarm of my love's touch was supposed to awaken me at 5:30, so I tried to keep my eyes closed. I immediately started praying for certain situations in my life and those around me. I ventured somewhere between the conscious and subconscious. I continued praying and am not sure whether I was dreaming or awake when I became aware of a spiritual battle that encompassed me. 


I found myself in a room praying with others. As I prayed I saw a woman coming around the corner of the doorway. I couldn't see all of her, only her hand was outstretched as if to say, "Nice to meet you." I went to place my hand in hers and found myself looking into the eyes of a witch. A grotesque, wrinkled hand with long nails took my hand in hers. She told me she wanted the soul of the one in which I was praying. 


I immediately awoke, or at least opened my eyes. You must know, I am very leary of claiming to see visions and dream dreams. I don't believe God speaks this way much anymore. I think the Western Church has taken horrible liberties to push their own agenda in these matters, mostly for wealthy gain. But I do believe there is a spiritual battle ensuing around us. This could have been just a dream I had. To remind me of this battle. Whatever it was I was stirred. And shaken.


I do believe evil exists. 


But I do believe God is stronger than any evil.


I awoke and went to my knees for the remainder of my quiet time and  prayed. For all those in my life who find themselves in the middle of spiritual darkness. For those who may be involved in evil.


Ephesians 6:1-13 reminds us: 
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the ruler, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

Please stand in prayer with our family. We are fighting deep battles right now. We are fighting with the Most High Warrior. And we know He is the Victor!


Praise to His name.

A Little Ranting

Does anyone out there know what it is like to have a child in rebellion? (O.K. I know you're out there, but I wish you were here at the Ponderosa.)

Out of the home? Spouting anger to you that you even adopted him in the first place.

This journey has been very lonely. (O.K. I know my eyes are completely inverted and selfish at this point.)

But, nonetheless, lonely. The ache is so deep. The fight is waning.

So I go to my Father. I cry (scream), Why? I ask (plead) for Him to move now. I cry so hard I can't breathe. My eyes are swollen. My heart is in pieces. My lover holds me. I just want to be alone.

Today, in worship, I am reminded how much my Father loves me. I am reminded He gave His only unique Son to save a wretch like me. (and "Hoss") I was His enemy. He made me His child.

He is the Healer of the Soul. He replaces our sin with His Son's righteousness.

Thank you, Father.

And I cry some more.

He Hears

"Our tears are liquid prayers."- Charles Spurgeon

My God knows my thoughts before I think them.

So when the words won't come and the tears do, He hears.

Prayer Needed

Last night my three youngest children and I have temporarily moved in to my brother's home. Please pray for "Hoss". He continues to hurt, yet lashing out physically in anger and rage now. We must have direction and he will again have to leave the house. He came home in December after being at Agape Boarding School for 16 months. We took a step of faith thinking he might be ready to again tackle his struggles under the care of his family. He is not. Please pray that the rest of the Ponderosa would not fear. Please pray as "Mr. Cartwright" and I are separated; that the Lord's Army of Angels would surround the house and protect. Please pray most of all for Hoss' heart. He needs a transplant, spiritually speaking. I love him so much, yet know I cannot do what the Lord must do. Lamentations 3:22-26 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

A Slight Rest!

We are together and enjoying each other. "Hoss" is doing well. Please continue to pray for the transition and all of the emotions that encompass it.

I am taking a much needed rest and will be back soon.

Happy New Year to all of you.

Happy Birthday Big Boy!

My oldest treasure turns 14 today.

He is missed, but I have a little secret that I will divulge tomorrow!

So for now, we are apart, and this is my heart's prayer.



Dear "Hoss",

Happy Birthday! You are growing (and I mean growing) into a strong man. May your strength not come from your size, but from your Creator.

Your mind is a powerful thing. Your God wants all of it. He desires you be transformed by the renewing of it by His Word.

May your spirit be immeasurably full of His. May He guide you and direct every step. Trust in Him and lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He promises to be your light and life. (Prov. 3:5,6)

May your actions be a testimony to the One who fills you. May your hands reach out to the less fortunate in soul to reach them for the Gospel. May your words speak life, not death.




May your eyes only see that which brings Him glory. Aim high to Him. Guard yourself by His Word.





I love you, son. You are mine forever.

Raising Leaders

My servant leader. My cherisher. My lover. My husband.

He carries so much each day, as he lives to love and works to nurture, protect and provide.

He has two young men looking to him to be the example they need, to do the same as they grow up.



My precious Lord,
As my best friend and lover extends himself to be all to those around him, please cover him with your protection, in mind, body and spirit. May You lead him as he leads us. Please give him the wisdom he needs to make the daily decisions to guide us. May his heart be ever dependent on you. May his mouth speak only what is true and right. May his mind think on your Word. Each day he cries to you. I know you hear him. Please remind Him of your love for him in tangible ways. Give him courage to go against the flow, especially in raising his boys. He wants their hearts. I know you must have them first.

I am so thankful, Jesus, for this man whom you have given me. Help me to show appreciation in the big and little things. Help me to love him more important then myself. Help me to obey and submit to what he desires, for it is done unto you.

Shepherd him as he shepherds us.