Psalm 78

It was a sweet morning of prayer, reading and reflection for Mr. Cartwright and I . We were woken at 4 a.m., a little earlier than normal. I got our much needed java going and whipped up some oatmeal for an energizing breakfast. But what was more invigorating than the physical sustenance, was the spiritual manna that we ate. We opened the Scriptures to the Psalm we had left off at. Our Lord sure knew we needed it as we are heading down some potentially anxious roads.

As we read, we both acknowledged the original intent of this Psalm. Asaph, the writer of this particular psalm, is reminding himself and the people he is leading in Israel, about their Good Shepherd. Reminding them of where they have been and what they experienced in the past because of their unfaithfulness. But we used this as a secondary application in our lives and it certainly brought a peace as we saw God's great hand in times past!

O my people, listen to my instructions. Open your ears to what I am saying,

 for I will speak to you in a parable.
I will teach you hidden lessons from our past—
stories we have heard and known,
stories our ancestors handed down to us.

We will not hide these truths from our children;
    we will tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
    about his power and his mighty wonders.
For he issued his laws to Jacob;
    he gave his instructions to Israel.
He commanded our ancestors
    to teach them to their children,

 so the next generation might know them—
    even the children not yet born—
    and they in turn will teach their own children.
 So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
    not forgetting his glorious miracles
    and obeying his commands.

At this point we surrendered again our own desires for our children, confessed where we haven't taught as needed and praised God for his faithfulness.

 Then they will not be like their ancestors—
    stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
    refusing to give their hearts to God.

We reminded God that He placed these beautiful children in our lives and we begged Him to continue to work and ultimately redeem them from the life they would have lived apart from knowing the Gospel.

 The warriors of Ephraim, though armed with bows,
    turned their backs and fled on the day of battle.
 They did not keep God’s covenant
    and refused to live by his instructions.
 They forgot what he had done—
    the great wonders he had shown them,

 the miracles he did for their ancestors
    on the plain of Zoan in the land of Egypt.
 For he divided the sea and led them through,
    making the water stand up like walls!
 In the daytime he led them by a cloud,
    and all night by a pillar of fire.
He split open the rocks in the wilderness
    to give them water, as from a gushing spring.
 He made streams pour from the rock,
    making the waters flow down like a river!

 Yet they kept on sinning against him,
    rebelling against the Most High in the desert.
 They stubbornly tested God in their hearts,
    demanding the foods they craved.
 They even spoke against God himself, saying,
    “God can’t give us food in the wilderness.
Yes, he can strike a rock so water gushes out,
    but he can’t give his people bread and meat.”
 When the Lord heard them, he was furious.
    The fire of his wrath burned against Jacob.
    Yes, his anger rose against Israel,
 for they did not believe God
    or trust him to care for them.

We prayed for our children to remember what they have been taught. We prayed that God would not let them forget forever! We prayed for open eyes! And then we read the graciousness of God and how He rained provisions down on His people. How He gave them bread to eat to remind them He is their BREAD of LIFE! He gave them LIVING WATER; yet, rejection was right around the corner.

But he commanded the skies to open;
    he opened the doors of heaven.
He rained down manna for them to eat;
    he gave them bread from heaven.
 They ate the food of angels!
    God gave them all they could hold.
 He released the east wind in the heavens
    and guided the south wind by his mighty power.

 He rained down meat as thick as dust—
    birds as plentiful as the sand on the seashore!
 He caused the birds to fall within their camp
    and all around their tents.
 The people ate their fill.
    He gave them what they craved.
But before they satisfied their craving,
    while the meat was yet in their mouths,

 the anger of God rose against them,
    and he killed their strongest men.
    He struck down the finest of Israel’s young men.

BUT THEY FORGOT!!!! Oh, how the world calls to our children. Our prayer this morning was for our God to arise and break down the hard hearts of those we love.

 But in spite of this, the people kept sinning.
    Despite his wonders, they refused to trust him.
 So he ended their lives in failure,
    their years in terror.
 When God began killing them,
    they finally sought him.
    They repented and took God seriously.
Then they remembered that God was their rock,
    that God Most High was their redeemer.
But all they gave him was lip service;
    they lied to him with their tongues.
 Their hearts were not loyal to him.
    They did not keep his covenant.

Yet, God withheld His judgment for a time. He showed great mercy. He forgave their sins. We prayed our wayward lambs would do this. That they would cry out for mercy.

 Yet he was merciful and forgave their sins
    and did not destroy them all.
Many times he held back his anger
    and did not unleash his fury!
 For he remembered that they were merely mortal,
    gone like a breath of wind that never returns.

 Oh, how often they rebelled against him in the wilderness
    and grieved his heart in that dry wasteland.
 Again and again they tested God’s patience
    and provoked the Holy One of Israel.
They did not remember his power
    and how he rescued them from their enemies.
 They did not remember his miraculous signs in Egypt,
    his wonders on the plain of Zoan.
For he turned their rivers into blood,
    so no one could drink from the streams.
 He sent vast swarms of flies to consume them
    and hordes of frogs to ruin them.
 He gave their crops to caterpillars;
    their harvest was consumed by locusts.
 He destroyed their grapevines with hail
    and shattered their sycamore-figs with sleet.
 He abandoned their cattle to the hail,
    their livestock to bolts of lightning.
 He loosed on them his fierce anger—
    all his fury, rage, and hostility.
He dispatched against them
    a band of destroying angels.
 He turned his anger against them;
    he did not spare the Egyptians’ lives
    but ravaged them with the plague.
 He killed the oldest son in each Egyptian family,
    the flower of youth throughout the land of Egypt.
 But he led his own people like a flock of sheep,
    guiding them safely through the wilderness.
 He kept them safe so they were not afraid;
    but the sea covered their enemies.
 He brought them to the border of his holy land,
    to this land of hills he had won for them.

 He drove out the nations before them;
    he gave them their inheritance by lot.
    He settled the tribes of Israel into their homes.

 But they kept testing and rebelling against God Most High.
    They did not obey his laws.
 They turned back and were as faithless as their parents.
    They were as undependable as a crooked bow.
 They angered God by building shrines to other gods;
    they made him jealous with their idols.
 When God heard them, he was very angry,
    and he completely rejected Israel.

The ending for Israel wasn't all the grand. We begged our Lord for a different ending with our treasures! Our hearts are heavy, sad and full of potential fears. But we were able to end our worship time with dwelling on Matthew 6; seeking first His kingdom and trusting him for all else.

A Piece of My Heart

It is not supposed to be this way! It's time to let one of my lambs out of the pasture and find his way, but this is not happening in a way that is peaceful, nor hopeful, humanly speaking. My lamb is 19 and feels ready to face the wolves and thorns out there.

Deep down inside, I know he is not ready.

He may end up on a steep precipice bleating for help.

Parenting these lambs is so difficult. I want to be that person reaching down to save him. I want to keep him from falling any farther. My heart breaks as choices are made despite the edge he sees. There is no face to this man reaching down to help, but I know the only face that belongs to him. My God. My Savior. My Shepherd. At times my belief that he will be saved waivers. My hope diminishes.

This week I heard a message about 1 Corinthians 13 expounding on what true agape love is. My whole life I have heard sermons describing love. I have attended wedding after wedding where this Scripture was read aloud. Beautiful.

But, listen to this. LOVE BELIEVES ALL THINGS! LOVE HOPES ALL THINGS!

Emotions entangle truth. They drown it out altogether sometimes. So I have to go back to the Word that is the Breath of Life. The Bread that satisfies. The Living Water that quenches. I must believe because I love. I must hope because I love.

The pig sty may have a new visitor eventually. But I BELIEVE that God will pluck him out and set him on the road back home. I have hope in my Heavenly Father.

The skies have flown him to another state all together. I thought there would be no goodbyes. No see you laters. No hugs. No thank yous. No peace. But at least, I did get a hug with a mumbled, "I love you too."

My God's people are everywhere. My prayer during this separation is that God will search him out and not let him rest. That God will be the Hound of Heaven pursuing him at every turn.

Please pray for him too.

Another Special Trip

As I write this, my precious gift of 18 years ago, is flying hundreds of miles to meet the gift giver. 

I met this gift giver at the same airport that my boy-man flew out of this morning just a short 18 years ago. This beautiful bundle was placed in my arms and the mommy-love flowed immediately. 

And has never stopped. 

And is even more strong. 

This love raised this gift. This love has shed millions of tears over the anguish of adoption. This love desires to understand the pain of my boy. This love has led to this day. Love is honest. So a piece of my heart is in the air as I write this.

I never knew such joy could mingle with such pain. I guess it's like birth. Birthing a piece of me from my heart. 

I am truly grateful and happy my SON will get answers to the pain he has felt for so many years, yet my heart cries out in fear of loss. 

So each breath I take today and tomorrow and the next day will look to my Savior and His Word to remind me of His truth. I will fight through the lies and I will strive to be thankful.

The Last Page

Well, not really. But kinda.

It is January 28th. Another Happy Gotcha Day. For Hoss. His 18th.

Every year since the day we received our little munchkins, we have added pages to their Happy Gotcha Day books. Just a simple photo book. The first few memories are pictures of the "final court date". The date the papers were signed that they are ours. Then each year after that we celebrate by doing something as a family, which usually includes food. In the later years it was JUST food. We write them a letter expressing our gratitude to the Lord and listing many reasons we are grateful.

Because of some teen struggles, Hoss has empty pages, except for our yearly letters which were sent to him via mail and also copied and put into his book. 

With the beauty of the journey comes pain. 

With joy comes sorrow. 

With age comes questions. 

With time comes answers...in the right time. 

So today we write his letter and chow down on some chicken tenders. We close his book with this final page. But praise the Sovereign Creator the end of the story isn't over. Praise Him that He has written it and we can trust him.

There are still lots of questions. Not so much anger. Plenty of laughs. Seldom tears. 

Our dear Hoss,

One book closes and another opens. We are celebrating your 18th Happy Gotcha Day! We remember like it was yesterday. Those tiny fingers. Your constant cooing. Your soft, curly hair. Your early words that charmed our hearts. The "I love yous". The funny times with your siblings. Then one day, you grew up. Where has time gone?

You are closer than ever to understanding a parent'


s heart. One day, you will probably be a parent. You may feel the need for more answers. We are here for you whatever and wherever the answers find you. 

We love you. Three little words that mean so much! 

We do.

Lovingly,Your daddy and mommy

My Cubby Turns 18!

Eighteen years ago, a very special boy was born in St. Louis, Missouri. He was born far away from my home, but God had a plan to place him in my arms. Not in a hospital. In an airport. Not at birth. At 5 weeks old. The labor pains were effortless at that time, but through the years I have felt those birth pangs. My heart is filled with thanksgiving for this little guy...who isn't so little anymore.

My dear "Hoss",

       Here we stand. Eighteen years old. How fast these years have gone! There are some days I miss my cubby who stood on the table singing his ABC's from the top of his lungs or my little bear who pretended to fish from his daddy's little john boat in the back yard. As I watched you play football this last year of school, I couldn't help but remember you at 2 years old playing football in your little bear undies in the living room. Yup, that was a perfect spiral you threw. Ha! The video plays back in my head so often of those long ago days.

       So much has occurred! So much pain and heartache for you and us, as well as your birth mom. I can only imagine how her thoughts run a muck at this time of year. I know yours probably do too. I don't discount all these feelings and unsure thoughts.

       But I also know and am positively sure that God has planned these events in your life. My heart is filled with gratitude for the decision she made. When you were placed in my arms, I finally felt the feelings that all mommies do. The feeling of overwhelming love. Love that mirrors our Lord's so well. You have brought so much joy to us over the years. Even though the past five years have been tumultuous, God has restored so much, and I cry with tears of joy.

        You have grown into such a strong man. I pray that you would continue to see that your talents and strength come from your Creator. That He is continuing to form you into the man He desires. Whatever comes your way, look to Him. Trust in Him. Seek Him.

         I love you with all my heart! I am proud to call you son!

Our Story in Brief

Some of you have followed the last 5 years of our lives, but may have never put together or been told our story. The following is a letter I submitted to a magazine that focuses on family, adoption and life.

Dear Nancy,

Let me start by saying how much I have been encouraged by your Above Rubies magazine. I love your focus on adoptive families and the gift of life. As my husband and I were looking over the new issue last night, he said to me, "You should write an article featuring our story." I have been blogging for the last 5 years about it, but feel like maybe I can be a voice to those who have struggled with the same things. 

We are an adoptive family. We are an multi-cultural family. All four of our adopted children are African American.  My husband and I have been married for 20 years this year. After many surgeries due to endometriosis, we started the adoption process for our oldest. This was our first and only private adoption. Our son, Joshua, was born on December 21, 1996. He was born in another state so we anxiously awaited that phone call. But our hopes were dashed as his birth mother changed her mind. God took us through that roller coaster and after 5 weeks she changed her mind again and he was placed in our arms. 

Twenty two months later, our second son, Nate, came into our lives at 5 months old. He was part of the foster care system and struggled with attachment reactive disorder until 5 years old. God's grace is the only way we were able to get through those years. But through those dark days, God called us to home school. The furthest thing is my mind was "being with that child" all day. But God changed my heart and showed me that's exactly what he needed.

Just over two years later, the department of family services called us and told us about a little special needs girl who needed a home. Esther was 22 months at that time. Since they knew we already had adopted African American children they thought of us. Esther had/has fetal alcohol syndrome and was failure to thrive. After one year of being our daughter, tests were run to rule out Autism, and it was discovered she had ACC (Agensis of the Corpus Collosum). In layman's terms, the central part of the brain in your Corpus Collusum. Hers is missing. This part holds 500,000,000 connectors to both hemispheres of your brain. We have been told she should be in a wheelchair not walking or talking. She "appears" normal to those who don't know her well. She struggles mostly with developmental/schooling delays and some social issues. But she is a miracle. Love is an amazing thing!

Now, having 3 children with a span of 2 years of age among them, I was overwhelmed for quite a while. There were many days of therapies and struggling to seemingly survive the emotional struggles. Little did we know that this would be a small part of the rest of our story.

In 2005, we received a phone call from a local pregnancy center about needing a family for a special needs 10 month old boy who would be placed privately. He had kidney failure as well as crossed eyes and severe developmental delay. He was like a newborn. We prayed about it and felt God's leading. Within two weeks, we had our home study done and were traveling 2 hours away to pick him up. The adoption laws in the state we live allow for the birth mother to change her mind within 3 days, if the child is over 6 months old. On the third day, we received a call from our attorney stating the unthinkable. She had changed her mind. This was a very tough place. My husband rose to the occasion and the next morning met our attorney and the birth mother at the train depot. They exchanged signatures for our precious Elisha that we had grown to love like our own. I am so grateful for my husband who used that opportunity to proclaim Jesus to Elisha's birth mom. Two weeks later we received a phone call from a deputy stating, "....there is an investigation into a little boy's death." Yes, Elisha had passed away in her care. I struggled with anger and resentment to the Lord. But eventually, He helped me to see that my sweet baby is with him and better off than the life he would have had. He also worked on my heart dealing with the idols that had formed in my own life.

The good news is that having Elisha in our home opened our hearts up to adoption again. In September 2005 a little girl was born and two years later she would become ours. Hannah was placed in our home after two years of foster care.  She was a crack baby with lots of hurting places. But thankful we have been granted to raise her.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, but it is also messy. Our boys hit the teen years with rejection and identity issues surfacing. Anger became out of control. We chose for our oldest to attend a Christian boarding school for a few years to protect him from himself. These were so very difficult years. The ache that happened in ourselves but most of all him was so painful. 

Hannah struggles with severe ADHD and outbursts of anger. Parenting adopted children brings a whole new set of issues. There is so much hurting and open wounds that seem to take years to work through...really until adulthood.

We have come to know the daily struggles that come along side raising adopted children. It can be a lonely place, where others don't understand. We have faced judgment on our parenting as well as struggled with fear of man...."what do people think?", which we still fight daily. So many times, adoption is viewed through rose colored glasses. It is so messy at times, but adoption is the brightest light we can shine that exemplifies the Gospel, for isn't that the picture Christ gives about our relationship with Him? Our parenting of these special kids has been greatly affected by grace. For how often do we spurn God's grace and parenting of us? How often do we choose defiance and rebellion? Yet, He keeps pursuing us. He keeps showering us with His love. He never lets go or gives us back up.

ZZZZooooooooooommmm

What?!? It is already October 9th???!!??

I miss you friends. We have been CRAZY BUSY!!!! Since my last post, lots has happened. Mostly day to day stuff, mostly home school stuff.  But in between that we have celebrated "Inger's 7th Happy Gotcha Day and her 9th birthday. We have been crazy football fans cheering on "Little Joe" and "Hoss", as well as hitting the E.R. yesterday with news of a concussion on my biggest boy. He is resting well, but eager to be back playing.

In the midst, of this, I often find myself not doing well prioritizing my time with Jesus. I don't know about any of you, but this is one of the first things to get squeezed out of my schedule. I get my mind going on what needs to be done instead of the most needful thing.

Jesus, lead me and help me. I need You more than anything else. At the times I find myself exhausted from just plain foolishness. Give me the strength to make you my priority, Lord.

These are from "Inger's" Happy Gotcha Day.

Fun football!

Happy 9th birthday, "Inger".

One Year of Grace

The call that changed our lives came one year ago this month. Someone came back to the Ponderosa one year ago today. Many people had been praying.

God chose to allow us to travel down another road of deep valleys without many mountain tops. Today a year ago, I did not know what tomorrow would hold. I was stunned by fear and anxiety.  But His grace was with us through this valley just like it is when all goes well. He is always with us. I can truly say I would never have changed the last year. A relationship was renewed that I thought would never happen. Our family is back together. I'm homeschooling all of my four children. God has changed me so much...especially my endurance of being flexible. :)

So as I think back over the last year, I am so grateful. I think how if it were not for the grace of God at every turn, things would be drastically different. I am homeschooling "Hoss" for his senior year. He even gets to play tackle football on the same team as his cousin and brother. This is an added blessing. I think over how things should have and could have been different. Yet, our Lord had better plans.

My dear son, I am so thankful you are home. You came home under very dire circumstances, but, oh, how happy I am you are here.  You have grown and matured in this last year. You have choices that are ahead of you that will determine much of your future. You have just a few months before you turn 18, and my prayer is that you will find peace. Perfect Peace. In Him Alone.                                                                                                                            I love you! 

He is Willing! (Even Though It May Not Look Like it)

Matthew 8:1-3
"When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed Him. And behold, a leper came to Him and knelt before Him, saying, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out His hand and touched him, saying, "I am willing. Be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed."

What great faith!

Faith to believe and not doubt. Faith that has 100% trust that God is able. And Jesus shows such compassion. He rewards this mans faith with healing.

I realize that God does not always act in this way. Those times when our prayers are not answered immediately, He is still working in our lives to produce faith in us. This time last year, my world crashed around me and our family. I begged God to remove this trial. He chose to take us through it. His answer was, "No, I am not willing to remove it, but I am willing to be with you carrying you as you persevere."

Praise Jesus for His sustaining mercies. They truly are new every morning. My faith has grown despite still not having the "answer" I want. But I have a God who I can trust no matter what falls around me. He is my High Priest.

He answers my prayers, but not necessarily in the way I would like. He is teaching me to love in a deeper way than I have ever been challenged before. This road is hard and full of potholes (maybe sinkholes is a better description). But my Great God will sustain me. He will uphold me. He doesn't lie nor glory in seeing us suffer. He is glorified as we suffer and shine the light He has placed in us.

So, yes, there are many deep soul needs here on the Ponderosa. God knows them all and will answer in His time and for His purpose. And I trust in this.

It's over!

And there is much rejoicing on the Ponderosa!

"Hoss" has finished an important task in his life.

Probation hasn't always been a word that I have been accustomed to speaking, but I have learned over the last year how to say it without reservation.

My boy-man has worked hard and received a letter today notifying him that his time is done!

There were many days in the last year when I didn't know the events for the next day, let alone the next minute. These were days of learning to trust in the Lord in a deeper way than I ever have. And along the way, the Lord brought men into my son's life whom he could not only do community service hours with, but who mentored him and brought some clarity in life issues; most importantly, his relationship with the Lord.

So, this weekend after we celebrate many graduations of great friends, we will be celebrating with our family.

Just for a different reason.

One that seemed too far from reality, but was so close to home.

One that God's hand was part of; from beginning to end.

Thank you, Jesus for beginning the work and completing it in us.

We Said Yes!

To What you may ask?

Well, this past year both of my boys got tattoos.

I can hear the gasp now! What? How could you? What kind of a mother are you to not only allow for this but sign underage consent as well?

Well, let me tell you.

I am a mother who has learned the external does NOT always reveal the heart.

I am a mother who has floundered in this thing called parenting. So may of us raise our kids and think when they are young that if we just do things right, all will be well and we will have these well-mannered, clean-cut children.

I am a mother who NOW knows that the above statement ISN'T true.

I am a mother that has learned much grace; both in receiving and giving it.

I am a mother who instead of being embarrassed watching my boys stand up at the HOME SCHOOL awards banquet with tattoos (and earrings) was immensely proud. That's a work that only the Spirit of God can do.

I am a mother who has learned that rules are a shaping factor in our children's lives, but so is grace...maybe even more so.

"Hoss" chose to put the word respect on his right upper arm. Here's why: "It's just a little reminder for me to respect  the people that have made choices in the past that have affected me, whether I liked it or not, things happened, but I was in their best interest."

"Little Joe" added 11Six to his left lower arm. This signifies Romans 1:16 - "I am not ashamed of the Gospel; for it is the power of God unto salvation."

So there you have it...we aren't the "cookie cutter" family anymore and for this I am grateful! I would never change a thing.

Visions of Innocence

Every great once in a while, I have flashbacks to yesteryear. A time when my boy-men would be laying on their tummy, making vroom-vroom noises while pushing there trucks and tractors around. A time when my littlest man would dance around and make everyone laugh. Or a time when my biggest little man would play dressup with the superheros costumes, but were always way too big for them.

Last night was one of those times.

"Mr. Cartwright" and I were (once again) redoing the budget for the Ponderosa. Trying to be wise as the grocery bill just seems to rise. Trying to pull bills from one source to compensate for another. This is a never ending task. But in the middle of it all, our boys come in. They plopped down on the bed and floor. They ask questions about our bills. They look at each other and make each other laugh. My youngest big man does a few jigs...the dancing hasn't changed, as you can see.

No anger. No arguing. No electronics. Just the four of us.

So much has gone on in the last five years. So much has been taken away in relationships and innocence. But last night was a breath of fresh air. I could even see in their faces those cute little baby faces from 16 years ago. Yes, instead of getting on the floor playing army men, shooting off lego bombs to knock each other's forts over,  we were discussing electricity bills. Instead of watching Little Bear we were talking about hunting for meat for the freezer. And in place of lincoln logs it was cash envelopes.

Our boys are growing up so quickly.

We praise God in the midst of craziness and culture wars, we still have nights like these.

The Last Year...in Brief

Many of you have asked me how "Hoss"  is doing...

I'm not sure how much to say or not say so I will be vague and somewhat brief, but so many of you have prayed that I want to thank you for lifting this man-boy up before the Lord.

Last year so much happened to turn our world upside-down. Decisions were made by him, under compulsion, that could have had dire consequences and God showed much mercy. Along the way, he moved back home after being away for almost 4 years. God continues to shower his mercy, although "Hoss" may not see now, I most certainly do. We are a family again. For this I am grateful. We have laughed and cried along the way. We have sought forgiveness and given it. We know we are heading into a new season of parenting.
                                                            
He is now almost 17 1/2 years old. Getting ready to make decisions that we may have no control over. So as I brought him to the Lord again this morning, I surrendered him again. I know that until God is given control of his life by him, he still will make decisions that, I, as his parent wouldn't make. But there is much I am thankful for.

*After a broken relationship, I home school him. This is something I never would have dreamed I would be doing.

*He is now, also, working full-time with "Mr. Cartwright". After not having him in our home for so long, he and his dad have ample time to talk and he can learn life from his awesome father.

*He is respectful of our wishes in the home. Although, we have learned what to make an issue and what not to. Boy, is this one of the most difficult things amidst others who would maybe do things differently. I have learned to fear God over man...most of the time. We are the ones responsible to answer to God. No one else is.

*He is a hard working young man.

*I love him with all my heart.

The last 5 years have been so full of trials. Down the valley we go, not much seeing the mountain tops, but as I write this I look back on this post, and this post, and this post. And I see the faithfulness of my God.

Thanksgiving...So Abundant

My heart is so full today! I am amazed at our God! His faithfulness endures.

Some of you may remember this. I read through them over the last couple of days. God has heard. He has moved. I continually ask myself, "Why am I surprised?"

Over the next month, I am focusing on thanksgiving and a heart of gratitude.

So today I am thankful for:

1. Salvation - Without Christ, I am nothing.
2. Sanctification - Without Christ, I could not keep on keeping on.
3. My gracious husband who works so hard so I can do my job in teaching and training these little (and big) lambs.
4. My beautiful children. I have learned so much of my Savior's love through loving these children. 
5. God's grace that pushes and pursues.
6. Hoss' new job at Subway! YAY!!!
7. Hoss' enrollment at our community college to start in January.
8. Inger's love of animals. (Please add your prayers to this list! That I would be able to say no! LOL! Foster care for animals???? Really???)
9. Marie's love for the Lord. She has such a tender heart.
10. Little Joe's love of music. God has gifted him with such talent. Love it that he prefers spotify to television. Love hearing those guitars! (Most of the time :)
11. The ability to make decisions apart from fearing man. Fear God alone!!!!

Lamentations 3:22-24 
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.”

Changes.....Living in Amazement

It's been way too long! And the truth be told, I haven't had a second to post. Life is in the fast lane right now. I may have time to type a bit, but blogging takes thoughts and my thoughts have been all jumbled up.

With change.

The 19th of October marks the two month anniversary of "Hoss"' return. A return that turned our lives upside down. A return that seemed destined by the Lord. Although his return was due to very difficult circumstances, it was, nonetheless, the right thing. His choices forced us, if you will, to move in a direction we were struggling with. 

God has a sense of humor. 

The words had left my mouth...."I can never home school him."

Well, he is being homeschooled.

He is in the process of dual enrolling in our community college. WOW!!!

He is looking for employment.

He is growing up.

"Hoss" is settled. He is again part of the Ponderosa. We are thankful. Most importantly, God is doing great things. I think of the story of Joseph in the O.T. God used horrible circumstances to accomplish His physical rescue of His people. God uses those "shake 'em up" times to get our attention. As things have progressed, thankfulness has filled my heart. Thankfulness for those bad times. Thankfulness for our Great and Good God who loves us too much to let us coast through this life. For it is in the valleys we feel our most vulnerable. We are needy people.

This Great Shepherd leads us. Amen!

Leaning Pretty Hard

Leaning, leaning, safe and secure from all alarms;
Leaning, leaning, leaning on the everlasting arms.

Right now, I'm not even sure I can stand up straight. I'm hunchback and hurting. I'm grasping at His arms. I think about the photo and poem, Footprints. I am sure there is only one set, but they seem stationary.

If you notice though, these are all feelings. I acknowledge feelings aren't truth and I yearn for truth. For I know it will set me free from fear and anxiety.

Every morning, I hit my knees and cry. I have my trusty Kleenex. My hands are outstretched towards heaven. I'm pleading for the faith to believe. I know my Lord hears me. I beg for the Holy Spirit to move. I am confident when I rise that He is orchestrating the plans He knows are best for me. 

I find rest in this. I crave joy. I rearrange my thoughts. I fight. 

Against my enemy, satan.
Against my flesh.
Against my thoughts.
Against my fears.

David, the Psalmist, knew all of this too. So many of the Psalms repeat this message over and over again. And he ALWAYS goes back to remembering Truth.

My God is able. 

As you read this my prayer is that whatever you are going through, you will find this place. This place of courage to remember. To not get sucked into your feelings. This will lead you only to depression and sinking sand.

Psalm 16

Preserve me, O God, for in you I take refuge.

 

I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;

    I have no good apart from you.”

As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones,

    in whom is all my delight.

The sorrows of those who run after another god shall multiply;

    their drink offerings of blood I will not pour out

    or take their names on my lips.

The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;

    you hold my lot.

 

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

 

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

    my flesh also dwells secure.

 

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption.

You make known to me the path of life;

    in your presence there is fullness of joy;

    at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.