Hard Life Lessons on Sin, Death and Grace Gifts

This last week was a tough one for my littlest. My nature lover. The friend of all animals. It was sanctifying for me too.

It started out as a regular ole' school week. Math lessons streeeeetttcccched out for longer than necessary. Sassy talk. Discipline. Hugs. Laughter.

Until Mr. Cartwright called home. He found a possum. A baby possum. He had thought of our little one who loves to nurture on lost and needy animals. I asked him, "Please not this time....I don't think I can do a possum." Well, little Inger overheard the conversation and asked permission to call her daddy about this issue. He was long gone from the sight he had found it, but PROMISED that the next time he found one, he would bring it home. Now mind you, HE HAD NEVER FOUND A POSSUM. EVER.

The very next day he came across another little guy. And he kept his promise. So Prince came into our lives. I NEVER would have EVER said I would have a possum in my home, yet I knew this would be an important experience in my little one's life. We read and learned tons about possums. Did you know they do not suck like other baby animals? They are marsupials who are in the momma's pouch for 90 days. We think our little guy was about 5 months old. He still needed milk although he lapped from a water bowl. So we gave him a bottle that he chewed on and we'd squeeze a few extra drops into his mouth.

I caved after the first night of him sleeping in a box in the garage. Inger begged for him to be in the zippered cat carrier on her bed at night. This worked well. She was such a good momma! She carried him in her apron or robe pocket. She played with him as he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. She would walk around with him on her shoulder and he'd just sit there looking around.

In the evening of the sixth night we'd had him, he stopped eating and grew weaker and weaker! We tucked him in for the night, but I knew he wasn't going to make it. Little Prince died that night.

The next morning, my hubby and I were up early talking and getting ready to read Scripture, when a little person came out of her room wondering what happened. She snuggled up on me as I told her Prince had died. She started sobbing! Crying harder than ever!

I took her onto my bed and let her cry, talking to her about how God loves his creation. How He cares for the birds of the air and gives all those flowers she loves so much their beautiful clothes. I reminded her that Jesus knew little Prince was sick and allowed her to be part of his life. I, then, turned to the subject at hand. This subject being a little harder to discuss with her as she struggles through her own life, blinded to her sin as of yet. Not thinking she needs a Savior up to this point. But, this mommy's heart, knowing this was another opportunity to help her see the effects of sin on the world. Sin that separates us from a holy God. Sin that demands judgment. The Gospel became central again. I prayed that it hit close to home for my little lamb.

I turned to my own thoughts. I realized it just happened to be the anniversary of my dear mother's home going 5 years prior. I allowed myself to shed tears that were bottled up for the day. I tend to "keep busy" so that I don't have to face my own sadness at times, but my Heavenly Father knew I needed to grieve as well. This was a grace gift to start my day.

I laid there as we cried together. Both hurting. One of us knowing grace; the other needing it.

An Amazing Woman

I still have dreams about her. I often wake from those dreams thinking she is still with me. Alive. Here on Earth. Then I remember.

She's gone. Still Alive. But gone.

It has been five years today since Mom went home to be with the Lord.

Every year I consider a different aspect of the legacy Mom left. This year I have thought so much over what she gave in the years when I was 4 years old until 13. My life could have been very different if Jesus had not intervened in my parent's lives as well as mine.

When I was two years old, they were ready with papers to file for divorce. My dad came to Christ and soon after my mom did as well. This started them on another path. One of giving of their lives for others, specifically, teens at risk. They became foster parents for teenagers. Many boys and girls came into our lives, for just a season. But I know one of change for them. For most heard about Jesus, maybe for the first time. During these years, I am told there were struggles. I am told money was sparse. I am told life was difficult. I didn't know any of these things until I was older. NEVER.

My dad worked at IBM; my mom stayed home. She babysat for extra money and led Back Yard Bible Clubs. They both had Bible Studies with other couples. They counseled couples. We were able to attend a Christian School. We went to Lake Drive Baptist Church two times on Sunday and every Wednesday. It was 45 minutes from home. Priorities were made and the Lord blessed.

Their heart's desire was to start a full time ministry, a home for teens. The Potter's Wheel, this was to be called. I still remember the dark gray farmhouse they had found in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. But the Lord had other plans. The current house we lived in would not sell. And through God's great providence, we ended up moving down to Florida so our family could be closer to Grammy Stebbins, my Father's mother, who was dying from cancer. And years later, am thankful, as I look as my beloved and give thanks.

Looking back on these few memories from life and childhood, I remember how constant my mother was. I know my love for adoption and the desires to help hurting children and even my love for Biblical Counseling was fostered through her (and my dad's) examples. We are still in contact with some of those teens that grew up and now have families of their own. We see the hurting couples that my parent's helped, thriving and doing well.

My mom loved well. For this I remember her today.

Big Red and Cover Girl

The girls and I took a little trip to Tennessee this last week to visit with my sister and her family and Dad and Lindi. We had such a great time and made some awesome memories. 

We went to the local Pigeon Forge pool.

 We were given complimentary tickets to Dollywood's Splash Country.

 We drove the Cade's Cove Loop and attempted to have a bbq picnic, but we were rained out.

 Each time we visit there is a "first without mom" memory too. As we drove through Cade's Cove, I realized the last time I was there I took mom while she was sick on Chemo. She slept most of the way, but at one stop we got out and sat in the chairs we had brought. I read Psalms to her. As we passed that meadow on this visit I could see her sitting there.

I can't believe it has been 4 years since mom has gone home to be with the Lord. Time flies. Children grow. Time just changes things. But some things never change. 

Like the smell of Big Red gum and Cover Girl Face Powder. These are the smells that my sister and I were reminiscing about. Mom's purse always carried these two essential things. I can still hear her laugh and see her crazy ways. My sister embodies many of them. Ha! So many of her mannerisms are moms. This made me happy.

After mom left us, my sister planted a tree and had a plaque made that still sits in her front yard.

 I've said this before, but I am so thankful for the legacy my mom left.

Missing Her, But So Thankful For Her Legacy

Today marks four years since Mom went home to be with the Lord. I miss her just as much as the day Jesus took her home.




There may be less days with tears, but the days that there are tears, they can fill a 10 gallon pail. And as I contemplate the home she resides in (and will for eternity) I think back on yesterday. I really mean yesterday.

Easter. Resurrection Day. The Empty Tomb. The Stone Rolled Away.

This is where my hope lies. I will see my mom again.

Until then, I have so many amazing memories and she left one gigantic legacy that is alive in all of her family.

There are songs. There are faces. There are habits. One particular song she often sang to my children when they were younger was:

"Alive, Alive, Alive forevermore. My Jesus is Alive, Alive Forevermore. Alive, Alive, Alive forevermore. My Jesus is Alive. Sing Hallelujah. Sing Hallelujah. My Jesus is Alive."

Oh, how this speaks volumes now.

This year I decided to ask my children what was one of their favorite memories of their Gran.

"Hoss" and "Little Joe" are continuing to deal with it in their own way. This is a difficult day for them too.

"Marie" had lots to say: "I remember her reading to me and playing war. I loved the days she would take me out by herself for lunch and a surprise gift. I really loved her laugh mom. (Everyone loved mom's laugh) When we spent the night she would always have a special breakfast for us. I remember making good fun of her old granny glasses that sat on her nose. She would always make a silly face too. She always told me how much she loved me and how special I was."

"Inger" remembers, "Popsicles, Ice Cream, and the cookies, Miss Patty brings at Christmas." (Since my littlest has very few memories, I am so thankful for "Aunt Patty", Mom's best friend, who keeps some memories alive. Raspberry Meringue Kisses my mom made every year at Christmas for as long as I can remember.)

Someone recently said, "When a believer dies, they are not going from the land of the living to the dead. They are going from the land of the dead to the land of the living."

I can't wait to join her!

3 Years

I can't believe it has been 3 years since the Lord took my darling mother home to be with Him. April 21st will forever be seared in my mind. Though that day became pain free for mom, our lives were changed forever.

There are still so many days where I think of her or go to call her. I want to tell her, "Listen to "Inger" read." or "Mom, I need you to pray. I'm having a rough day." And she would tell me, "God is using this, Sarah Jeannie." She was always a constant source of encouragement to me and our family.

It's amazing as life goes on, how much more I become thankful for this special woman in my life. She inspires me to be the mom I need to be.

I know I love to have people over to my home because she did.

I know I love to serve and help in the body of Christ because she did.

I know how strive to love all people around me because she did.

I know how important God's Word is because she did.

I am the mom I am because God gave me an amazing mom (and dad).

(This is one of my favorites the year before she died. Anyone who knows mom can appreciate this.)

Filled With Gratitude

'Tis the season.

And as Thanksgiving creeps closer, my heart swells with all my Lord has done for me. 

* The person of Jesus; his life, death and resurrection makes my life what it is today.

* My amazing husband; he is the world to me. He makes this journey of life so much more 

bearable.

* My four beautiful children; God's amazing love in placing them all from different places and people into this home called the Ponderosa.

* God's mercy and grace; I could not bear to breath or live each day without this.

* Forgiveness from God and others; this reminds me of how much I must choose this path towards others too.

* Financial provision; each turn of path of life brings areas of need. God always shows up and provides exactly what we need. (If you haven't read about this, please do and be amazed!)

* Agape Boarding School; an amazing place that has kept my boy-man safe; that has provided exactly what he needs for such a time is this; that are God's hands and feet of love and mercy when we can't be there.

* Memories; this time of year brings many memories of my childhood and makes me miss Mom lots. (Just eating dinner tonight was one of those moments. She always served meatloaf with mashed potatoes and butternut or acorn squash. I was just telling my kiddos about this.)

* God's Word; it is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my feet.

My heart is filled with thankfulness. May this continue forever, not just this month.

Book Review - 50 Days of Hope

Cancer.


I wager this word is a familiar word to every family around the world. It hit close to this home two years ago. My precious mom went to be with Jesus after fighting lung cancer. I didn't know if I was up to reading a book on having hope in the midst of cancer, but I thought I'd try it and see.


And I am so thrilled to have read, 50 Days of Hope, by Lynn Eib. For through reading this little devotional I realized my beloved mother did win the battle of cancer. Just in a different way. Mrs. Eib helped me to see this.


Any one who has someone dealing with cancer, this is a must read. Mrs. Eib takes you through personal stories as well as specific Scriptures to help in the journey one will go through when fighting this dreaded disease. The bottom line: Each day of hope lies in faith in the Resurrected Savior. Even those days that seem unbearable. She lifts the spirit of the reader. I'm not dealing with cancer, but I can imagine what a help this book would be if I were.


God can bring victory in one's life through many means. Of course, we want our love one to be healed and stay with us a while longer, but reading this book put my focus into perspective.


As a part of the Tyndale Blogging Network, I received a free copy of this book.

Two Years

Today is the anniversary of Mom's home going. I think back to that time two years ago and, wow, have things changed. My heart is sad. I miss her just as much, yet, I have a hope today that I am so thankful for.


As I pulled out all my pictures and cards she wrote to me in the past years, by heart swells with gratefulness to the Lord for giving me the mom He did. My life would be so different.


"Sarah-Jeannie", the name she called me so often still reverberates in my ears. I can feel her arms around me encouraging me to trust in the Lord.


Those last few weeks of caring for her were the hardest days of my life and yet, such a great gift. She praised God through every day and hour. The grace of God was truly on her life until the end. 


My mom finished well.


I pray I can follow in her footsteps. I want to hear those words which I know she heard, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."


Mom, I love you. You ARE beautiful. You inspire be every day to love God more. I miss you. And you know what I am going to ask you....Please pray for your grandson. He misses you too. And needs to surrender to our Lord. 

Only Her!

The past couple of days I have thought about my mom quite a bit.

I miss her so much. There are days when I can hear her voice still. Days when I am singing that I hear her song ring out. Days I look in the mirror and she is looking back at me. (The older I get, the more this happens.)

I was and still am blessed to have had a mom who cared for me in the way she did. She had a way of getting things done. No obstacle in her way. (The Walmart managers can attest to this)

She was full of life.

But, lately, I have been mulling over her death. I know. Not somewhere I should be hanging out at too long. And yet, there was such beauty and peace through the last couple of weeks in her life. I was so thankful to have been there to care for her. I can still smell her hair. Many times a day I would comb it as it would help her to relax. There are times I can't believe she is gone. This week has been just one of those times. Wishing I could pick up the phone and tell her that I'm quitting this thing called "mommyhood".

Tell her that I can't do this another day.
Tell her that I am so frustrated at teaching my children.
Tell her that I just want my boy home.
Tell her that I love her.

Then I would hear her say, "You can do it." I would hear her laugh that infectious laugh and tell me what a great   job I am doing. Only she can say it the way she did.

The most beautiful thing about her death was the presence of the Lord during those days. He was there with us. He gave us the grace to face death...of her body. But we have complete assurance that she is alive and well. Christ beat death. He gives us life.

I mull on this some more.

Miscellaneous Advent Items

Our special friend, Patty, came over this week. She was one of my Mom's closest friends. It is such a blessing to have her in my children's lives. In fact, she may become Grandma Patty soon. So, she walks in the door this last Tuesday and has these in her hand. A special memory invaded my mind.

Baking with mom.

One thing I miss so much this time of year. I can still hear mom's beautiful voice singing her Christmas songs. Especially Bing Crosby.

And, yes, they have already disappeared.

Thank you, dear friend.

"Little Joe" is spending the day with a friend so today the girls and I baked our first round of cookies. We made Eskimo snowballs, healthy buckaroos, and oatmeal butterscotch bars. They all look delicious. And I must say they did a fantastic job. There were many teachable moments as well.  Much said about loving our neighbor as ourselves and preferring each other in love.

Now, one of our favorite movies, Holiday Inn, is playing and our crosstitch is out and our hands are busy.

Just love these times when formal school can take a backseat and life can happen.

Revive Us, O Lord!

Today, I stood in front of our church to sing as part of a ladies' ensemble. I had been asked a month or so ago to worship along side my sisters at our church. Two weeks ago I was given the song.

It was the same song my sister, dad and I sang as we circled mom's bed after she had gone to be with the Lord. The tears streamed down that day. I looked over my sister's shoulder to the tent that my mom had housed for 63 years. Many years of service to the Lord. Many years of loving a family through the thick and thin of life. Many years of laughter and fun.

So, as I sang today, I thought back to the beauty of a life in Christ. I was happy remembering. I thought it would be difficult. But what came to my mind was thankfulness.

For growth in Christ. For peace. For the many memories. For my Refuge and Strength that sustains in time and trial.

And as I sang about the revival that only the Lord can bring to a child of God, my heart was full of gratitude to my Lord.

We praise Thee, O God!

For the Son of Thy love,

For Jesus Who died,

And is now gone above.

Refrain:

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

Hallelujah! Amen.

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

Revive us again.

We praise Thee, O God!

For Thy Spirit of light,

Who hath shown us our Savior,

And scattered our night.

All glory and praise

To the Lamb that was slain,

Who hath borne all our sins,

And hath cleansed every stain.

All glory and praise

To the God of all grace,

Who hast brought us, and sought us,

And guided our ways.

Revive us again;

Fill each heart with Thy love;

May each soul be rekindled

With fire from above.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Another birthday has passed here on earth while you are celebrating eternal life. To be honest, Mom, I'm a little jealous. I sure do miss you and wish I had another birthday to hug and kiss you. Last night I dreamed about you. I can still see you as if you were just over yesterday. I see every beautiful line in your face and hear your voice. There are times I still think you ARE here and this is all a dream. But I know it is not.

If you can see me and hear my heart, please pray for your oldest Puebla grandson. He is hurting. Remember, the verse you gave me before you went "home"? Well, I made it into a pillow to give to "Hoss" when he was home at Christmas.

Did you know that while he was gone last year at the Ranch he told me the Lord gave his that same verse as his life verse. Now, I don't believe that was a coincidence! God is working. I will not give up on him either.

The One who you are with right now is the One who holds my precious oldest in His hands.

I miss you mom. I love you. I will see you one day.

Give My Savior a hug and tell him how much I love Him, too.

Motherhood...

is truly a gift. And as I have aged, I have come to realize it doesn't just apply to blood relation or even adoption. I know a few older women who I have come to love as a mother prototype.

With all this said, I miss my mom. Time has healed some, but the longing to pick up the phone and talk to her is just as strong. She was a rock for our family. She gave of herself and loved her children and grandchildren to the fullest.

So, today on Mother's Day I remember her.

I also remember him.

And miss him, too.

Therefore my thoughts go heavenward, knowing that my Jesus holds all things in His hands. My precious Mom is with Jesus and my treasure may think he is far away from his Maker, but I am confident my Sovereign Lord is working...even in the pain and hurt and wrong choices.

I am honored to be a Mother. This was my heart's desire from the time I was a little girl. I didn't know how this would come to pass, but Oh, I am thankful for the gifts that have been entrusted to me.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

1 Year Without Her

Today is the day I have dreaded all year...one year since Mom went home to be with Jesus. As I was thinking over the last year during the last couple of weeks, I came across a card she had sent me 2 years ago during the first episode with my oldest. I could faintly hear her voice as I read the written words. She encourages me still though she is far away.

I feel the space betweeen us so often. How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to feel?

I hear a resounding yes from my Shepherd. The One Who holds her in His care. The One who knows the emptiness in my heart and the hearts of my family members.

The feelings are all encompassing and not at all. All at the same time.

I remember....

*her beautiful eyes that shined forth Christ's love

*her infectious laugh that brought joy at so many times

*so many "I need Mommy" moments that she was there at my beck and call

*her shoulder was so soft at the times of tears

*she gave so freely of herself

*her love for God's Word

*the many days when her responsibilities were all emcompassing: 5 day backyard clubs, parenting foster teenagers as well as her own 4, and making meals for many out of nothing (just to name a few)

*her LONG and LENGTHY Christmas letters that filled everyone in on the DAILY happenings of life in the Stebbins' household

*her love for her grandchildren was secure and full

*her voice, her laugh, her prayers

But , I know I will see her again. I know through Christ she has conquered death. She is not gone. She is not dead. She is alive and well.

I miss her and forever will.

More Remembering...

Christmas brings all sorts of memories here at the Ponderosa. My heart holds many that cannot be put into words. But this memory I can taste. Here is another recipe my Mom made each year. This may be one I try myself this year.




Almond Crescents

Ingredients:
•2 sticks unsalted butter
•2/3 cup sifted powdered sugar, plus more for rolling
•1 teaspoon vanilla extract
•1/2 teaspoon almond extract
•1 cup coarsely chopped almonds
•2 1/2 cups sifted all-purpose flour

Preparation:
Preheat oven to 350° and line baking sheets with parchment paper or silpat baking sheet.
Cream together butter and 2/3 cup of sugar until fluffy. Beat in extracts, then add almonds. Stir in flour and beat til well mixed.

Divide dough in half and roll each half into log 1 inch thick in diameter. Cut each log into 3/4 inch pieces, and roll each piece into cylinder 2 in. long. Place 1 to 2 inches apart on baking sheets and form into crescents.

Bake 15-20 minutes or til lightly browned. Let cool then roll in sifted powdered sugar.

Kisses From Mom

My absolutely favorite recipe that my precious mother made each year at Christmas was this recipe. Christmas was a special time in our home, and mom is the one who made it that way. She is dearly missed.

Raspberry Meringue Kisses

3 egg whites
1/8 teaspoon salt
3 1/2 tablespoons raspberry gelatin
3/4 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vinegar
1 cup miniature chocolate chips

Beat egg whites with salt until foamy. Add raspberry gelatin and sugar gradually, beating until stiff peaks form and sugar is dissolved. Mix in vinegar; fold in chocolate chips. Drop from teaspoon onto ungreased cookie sheet covered with brown paper.

Bake at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. Turn oven off; leave cookies in oven another 20 minutes.

Makes about 9 dozen cookies.

Missing Her

This the beginning of the first holiday season without Mom.

Throughout my life, so many memories have been made and traditions started because of Mom. Her homemade cranberry jello always was a staple at Thanksgiving. At Christmas, she was the ultimate baker...almond crescents, pecan couplets, dozens and dozens of sugar cookies...iced by her children and grandchildren.

As my sister and I were talking and reminiscing last week, we were reminded of all the special things she did. My sister heard a song on the radio and it jogged her memory of mom playing it on the piano. My sister does a much better job at remembering and I think it is because I don't want to sit there...it is painful...I would rather keep going. But, I must stop and sit awhile. I must remember.

There are days when I can still hear her voice singing. She had a beautiful voice. She was a beautiful woman.

A Gift For Dad

Many of you know my dear Mother went home to be with the Lord this past spring. So many emotions have accompanied me throughout the recent months. I am still missing her, yet time does ease some of the pain. There are so many days that I still want to call her and talk to her. The tears have inched their way further from my lids, and when they come they aren't daily anymore.


I still have the gift of my Father, and am so thankful he is alive and well. Seeing him alone and wanting companionship caused a different sort of pain inside me.


So, our Gracious God has provided him a friend, companion and as of today, new wife.


Many people hear this news and their eyebrows go up in questioning...and if I could read their minds, I might hear, "Wow, so soon?" or " That is too fast!" But I am so happy for my dad. Lord willing, he has many more years of serving his Savior and what better way than with someone the Lord has supplied as a friend and fellow slave in Christ. No one will ever take the place of my dear mom, but it is a blessing to have a new friend and older Godly woman in my life.

Dad and Lindi,
We pray the best for you as you seek Christ in this new relationship. We love you and are eagerly waiting to see you soon. May all your aim be focused to Christ and serving Him the rest of your days. Praise God for all He is doing in all of our lives.

Another Book Sent From Above

I just finished reading, Desperate Hope, When Faith in God Overcame My Despair, by Candi Pearson-Shelton.

God placed this book in my hands. No. Really. I did put it on hold at our local library, not knowing what in the world it was about. It sounded like a great read.

My Precious Savior knew more. He knew I had to read it.

Candi Pearson-Shelton takes us on her journey of losing her beloved brother, Ricky, to a two month battle with Leukemia. She and her brother both have been part of the Passion Movement. She wrote the title song to the album, Glory Revealed. She knows her Savior and yet, like me, she had so many questions that she had to explore to come to the realization of her great Savior. This Savior that she had so often sung about.

Her story is candid. Her journey is my journey. The mental and emotional fog she existed in, I have felt and at times still feel. But I also cling to the promises she reminds herself and the readers.

Each chapter is filled with raw emotion, yet solid truths from God's Word. God used this book, along with Scripture, to begin a new level of healing in my soul. I know God's Word is true, yet I have hesitated to dig in. I thank my Shepherd for using the body of Christ to speak to the depths of my soul. He brings trials, grief, hurt and comfort to some in order to comfort others. It is so astoundingly true.

One amazing truth Candi brought out was in the very first chapter. She reminded me of Jesus' prayer for the disciples in John 17. Verse 24 tells us that Jesus prayed to His Father to bring all those who are given to Him back to where He is. I prayed for the opposite, but Jesus' prayer was answered when my beloved mother was taken home to be with Him. I must rejoice in this.

I am.

Today....

....I am dwelling on this Truth Word.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that ALL things work together for good to those you love God and are called according to His purpose."

So many times I question this word, ALL.

But, God, it seems so bad right now.

How can anything good come from this?

What do you mean by good, Lord? You and I have a very different definition...

How can death be good?

My oldest lamb is so far away...how can this be good?



Friends, He really means ALL. And He really means GOOD.