Almost

Just a couple more days and "Hoss" will be back in the area. Many emotions are running through our minds, but the most important: trust. Oh, yes, the anxiety comes and goes, but we are striving to continually go back to the Word and the truth of who God is.

Agape Boarding School as just put out their most recent newsletter and our family is featured there. What an awesome opportunity to praise God for His amazing provisions over the last three years.

Here it is!

Another fabulous thing God has done in the last two weeks is to send other parents just starting this journey of far off love for their boys that are now residing at the place my boy has been for three years. Their hearts are torn and hurting. My heart hurts to hear them, yet I am so confident in what God has done in our lives, I can give them hope in the cross and in our Savior. This has helped so much to calm my fears and AGAIN!!! go back to the truth I know. Thanks for your prayers friends.

The Next Leg of This Journey

March 4th.

The ticket is purchased.

"Hoss" is headed back to Florida. Not home, yet. But will only be 15 minutes away. The Lord has allowed an opening the same school he attended when he came home 2 years ago. They have group homes there as part of their ministry, so now we have the opportunity to try to restore our relationship. We will have much more time to talk and see him. It's pretty much impossible to do from so far away.

We appreciate your prayers as we strive to follow God's lead in this. One thing we've learned as our three oldest have all become teenagers is we hit our knees so much more often lifting them up to the Master of their hearts. The easier road would be to keep Josh where he is at. Agape Boarding School has been exactly what we needed for the last three years. They have gone above and beyond to love our son while we couldn't. But, it is time to get to know our boy again.

Prayer for the following requests are coveted:

* God to still pull "Hoss"' heart in the direction of His will.
* "Hoss" to fully surrender his entire life, will, and desires.
* Peaceful transition to this new school.
* God's blessings on the staff at Agape and now Legacy.
* The ability for "Mr. Cartright" and I to fight any anxiety in the process.
* God to be glorified.

This road is one of so many twists and turns, but thankful to our Lord for His hand being with us all the way.

A Special 16th Birthday

Dear "Hoss",

Today is your 16th birthday. How I wish I could do more than just talk to you over some wires, but this is where we are. This is where God has us. This is the path, we say, "I trust Your plan, Father." My thoughts are going in many directions today. 

I think back on the day you were born. I hadn't seen you or held you, but I knew you had breathed air for the first time. You were being held by another. One who loved you and one who struggled in life. One who didn't have a Heavenly Father to guide her in dark paths. One who had no direction and felt hopeless. One who I am thankful to every day. One who I can guess is thinking of you today, too.

Five weeks later, you were place in my arms, a whopping 13 lbs. My first time at being a Mommy, without knowing the feelings of life giving birth, but knowing the feelings of a full and complete heart. My heart swelled at the love God placed in it for you, Little Bear. (I know you don't fit this description very well anymore, but you will always be my Little Bear.) You spoiled me rotten, sleeping the very first night for 12 hours, and every night after that. You talked and cooed at just 8 weeks, once so loud that while I was on the phone with Auntie Jen, she couldn't hear me. As you grew, and I mean grew, the bond we shared was like nothing I had every experienced. You were thoughtful, kind, generous and so loving from a very young age. Your prayers to God were so amazing. You thought through so much at such a young age.

 I remember well the night you asked us why you looked so different from us...a mere three years old. I, also, remember well your response as we told you about adoption. You became sad. I asked you why you were sad. You said, "I'm sad because I wasn't born in your tummy." I knew at that instant we were Mommy and Son. 

I still know this. You have grown into a handsome young man. You have so many talents and abilities that God has given you. The path we have tread for 3 years now is not the one I would have chosen for you, but I am confident of this: God has you on this path. He is turning ashes in beauty. He is turning pain into joy. He is molding your heart in areas I could never mold. He WILL use this uncomfortable season for His glory. 

Son, I love you. My heart still swells with pride and joy for you. You are my first-born from my heart. You have taught me so much as a mom that I could never learn otherwise. You are my cubby-bear, and will always be.

Filled With Gratitude

'Tis the season.

And as Thanksgiving creeps closer, my heart swells with all my Lord has done for me. 

* The person of Jesus; his life, death and resurrection makes my life what it is today.

* My amazing husband; he is the world to me. He makes this journey of life so much more 

bearable.

* My four beautiful children; God's amazing love in placing them all from different places and people into this home called the Ponderosa.

* God's mercy and grace; I could not bear to breath or live each day without this.

* Forgiveness from God and others; this reminds me of how much I must choose this path towards others too.

* Financial provision; each turn of path of life brings areas of need. God always shows up and provides exactly what we need. (If you haven't read about this, please do and be amazed!)

* Agape Boarding School; an amazing place that has kept my boy-man safe; that has provided exactly what he needs for such a time is this; that are God's hands and feet of love and mercy when we can't be there.

* Memories; this time of year brings many memories of my childhood and makes me miss Mom lots. (Just eating dinner tonight was one of those moments. She always served meatloaf with mashed potatoes and butternut or acorn squash. I was just telling my kiddos about this.)

* God's Word; it is a lamp unto my path and a light unto my feet.

My heart is filled with thankfulness. May this continue forever, not just this month.

"Hoss" Up Close

Our son, whom we miss so much, is making great strides. I can't believe it has been three years, but, I must say it has taken this long to see the baby steps. He is showing great steps in leadership. The last phone conversation was very encouraging, too. He is a sophomore this year and we plan on him staying at Agape until he graduates. This is a hard decision, but necessary.

 And, yes, he continues to grow. He is now 6'2" and *?*@# lbs. Let's just say, football material. Here are a few recent pictures of "Hoss" at Agape. Enjoy. And thanks for your continued prayers. If you haven't sent this yet, please do.

Why Do I Doubt? I Could Just Kick Myself!

Do you remember this post last week? God has reminded me today how little faith I have. By grace, He nudges me and says, "See? I always see."

Financially things have been tight. Isn't that the area that so often seems to cause the most stress? With "Hoss" being at Agape Boarding School, money has been very tight. But (and that's a BIG but) God has always provided. 

A couple of weeks ago someone who has been helping for the duration thus far told us they would not be able to help out after October. We didn't tell anyone. We took it to the Lord. I asked God to provide. 

Would you be surprised for me to tell you He has? Today a dear friend called and told me that the Lord has been nudging her to help us out with "Hoss'" tuition. And, yes. The e.x.a.c.t. amount we needed. 

My God, who owns a cattle on a thousand hills, sees our measly little needs and responds. Exactly, yes, exactly.

He sees what we need, when and how we need it. He fills my heart with joy and I pray, constant thanksgiving.

What are your needs, dear friend? Take them to the Lord.

Needless to say, I will be adding "November 1st, 2012: Provision for "Hoss'" continuing tuition" to this.

Tears...Again. (And You are all pretty sick of hearing it, I'm sure)

The tears won't stop today. Just one of those days where I would give my life for my boy to be home. Just one of those days when my heart feels ripped in half and one of those halves missing. Just one of those days when I feel like a can't breath.Where have the years gone? What happened?

All I know is I want him home.

End of story.

At least mine.

Not God's.

He has more chapters to add. He might even have to change the title by the end. 

(Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Just throwing a little bit of a temper tantrum. I always come around and see God's hand moving. Loving us all through this. Holding my boy because I can't.)

Misc and Prayer

The Puebla Ponderosa has been crazy lately. Crazy, as in, a new kitten trying to get along with the dog and the new kitten becoming very friendly with the birds. Hopefully, very soon, we will all be one happy family. Oreo, the new kitten, was an early birthday gift from "Little Joe" to "Inger". She is delighted. "Cochise", the dog, not so much.

On another note, we are asking that you would pray for wisdom concerning a decision for our Christmas visit with "Hoss." He continues to do well, having turned a corner, we pray. God really used my visit out there, along with his broken hand, to humble him and (hopefully) make him more dependent on him. Could you please keep me in your prayers, too? I struggle with anxiety concerning this boy-man of mine. I know (with my head) God is in control. It takes a while for my heart to follow. I love him with all my heart.

A Few Small Steps

The last few months here on the Ponderosa have been tumultuous, to say the least.

"Mr. Cartwright" continues to deal with his heart going into Atrial Fibrillation very frequently. The good news is he has medication to take when his heart rate gets too high and he is learning how to navigate through each episode. If he can keep calm, that's half the battle. We know it will pass within a few hours. We will go back to see the doctor in a couple of months.

On another note, look at this boy-man of mine! Can you see the smile? The contentment?  

                                  

After my visit last month he has done a 180 degree attitude change. I know his heart is happy, for mine is. We were able to talk through so much when I saw him. I can't help but think, "He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love him no matter what he has done or said. He knows we forgive him." Our telephone call yesterday was so positive. I asked him about his walk with the Lord. He responded with, "It's great!" Something I have not heard before. Will the journey stay here on the top of this mountain? Oh, I'm sure not, but I am so thankful for these baby steps he is making. There is a maturity I hear in his voice and words. Things like, "I'm learning patience and how to be a leader."

See his arm? This is a result of God's perfect plan for my "Hoss". The bull he and I will never forget.

 Do you remember this ? And, may I ask you to send me one, if you haven't for I have started this project and I know that God is working. In Him. And me.

God is Faithful!

This is my mantra for the last week and future weeks of my life. When the waves roll over my head, I remember, "God is faithful."

I left to see "Hoss" on Wednesday, July 18th. What a fantastic visit. We talked, laughed, and definitely have started the baby steps of reconciliation. God amazes me. He allows these blooms in times of despair and I fall on my knees in thanksgiving. 

While visiting "Hoss", "Mr. Cartwright" called and told me he was taking himself to the E.R. with another more severe episode of atrial fibrilation. Needless to say, even in this, God was working. You see, much of "Hoss'" anger has been directed towards his dad. Some identity issues. This was a little bit of a wake up call to him.

This rainbow the Lord sent my way the first morning walking to the cafeteria to surprise "Hoss". It was an amazing picture of the presence of the Lord in my visit to him.

God even provided us an opportunity to see a Double AA baseball game while I was there.

His glory astounds this Momma. God directed every step of my journey. I do ask you to pray for the next few steps in the journey concerning "Mr.Cartwright's" heart. We see a cardiologist this Thursday to determine the next step. They are looking at a procedure called ablation. More than anything we are confident in our Master Healer. He is the healer of physical, emotional and spiritual hearts.

A Prayer for Healing

My Dear "Hoss",

Remember this? "You are my sunshine; my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You never know dear; how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away." This was one of my favorite songs I would sing to you as I rocked you each night.

Well, today, you are far away having surgery on your hand. I would give anything to be there with you and maybe, embarass you while I sing this song. (Little do you know right now, I will be seeing you in a tad over 24 hours) The last three years have been a struggle. You remain close to my heart. Though at times I feel it breaking, I know God is holding it together.

My prayer for you, today, is that you will find your comfort in Christ alone. I know this incident with your hand is not a coincidence. I know this was a divine interruption in your life. This bull, this beautiful bull, God is using to refine you and draw you. I have confidence, that in the greatest amount of pain, this is when we cry out to the Lord. "Hoss", may this be what it takes to move in your heart.

I love you more than words can say. I know one day you will know this too. I'll love you fovever, my little bear.

How God Used a Bull...

I'm thinking this might be a book you hear about in the future.


God is doing some amazing things here at the Ponderosa, as well as where our boy-man is, Agape Boarding School in Missouri.


The last two months have been tumultuous. The valley has been very low, full of shadows and lingering failures. Communication was cut off for a while with "Hoss". We didn't know for how long. We cried tears daily that he would surrender fully to the Master and Creator of his life. We continue to pray. We struggle to believe. And yet, God slams us with His grace in amazing ways.


July 3rd, "Hoss" attempted bull riding for the first time during Agape's first rodeo of the year. When he fell off, the bull stepped on his left hand, breaking a bone. I wondered what God was up to...


Last Saturday, an Agape Mom (currently has a son at the school) posted on the website that she felt impressed to set aside a time that night for all the parents that could to pray for our family. I was in awe. Next thing I knew I had a private message from another mom that confirmed this was the Lord. She said she couldn't stop thinking about Josh for a couple days and was in awe, herself, when Mom #1 posted the request. I was in awe and many tears again. Little did we know we would be able to call "Hoss" the next day for the first time in too long. A good conversation.


Tuesday, July 1oth, he went to an Orthopedic Surgeon to determine if surgery is needed since the bones have shifted. They are waiting one more week, added a splint to two fingers to see if they will self correct. He will go back in Tuesday, July 17th for another x-ray to determine if surgery is needed. 


Needless to say, this Mommy's heart is broken, so wanting to be with him, not knowing if this is what he really wants. God continues to lavish grace through these hours and astound me.  I am given permission to call "Hoss" daily, normally only allowed once every other week, and am told that I can come help take care of my boy.  


So, I ask the Lord, "Is this possible?" I don't think you'll be surprised by the answer. I am headed to see my boy next Wednesday, the 18th. God has provided above and beyond anything I could every imagine. (I find myself saying this many times...so it shouldn't surprise me anymore, but it does...O, Me of little faith.) Food, boarding, transportation; He's worked it all out. I am forever grateful to my God, who uses the body of Christ to be His hands and feet.


I know God is at work in my lamb's heart, too.

Bull Riding + Hoss = Broken Hand

Agape Boarding School has a fantastic program for the boys who live there. One of the highlights of the year is the rodeo. There are three each year. The activities are made so that the boys can get their aggression out and just be adventurous all at the same time. This is "Hoss'" third year participating in the rodeo, but his first try at Bull Riding. Needless to say we received  a phone call on the third of July telling us the steer had stepped on his hand and broken the bone from the pointer finger going down into the hand. We are thankful it was a clean break, and not a compound, yet one part of the bone is chipped and turned. He's in a cast for now, but is headed to see an orthopedic dr. this week.

We are continuing to pray for God's work to be done in his heart and confident that he will use things like this to get his attention.

A Wall of Prayer

I have an idea.

And I would love your help.

The Puebla Ponderosa knows there are many people out there who have been praying for "Hoss". For God to do a work of redemption, forgiveness and reconciliation. Right now this seems like an impossibility, but I know our God is a God of miracles. I struggle with unbelief. So to help my unbelief, I am asking that any of you who have been praying to please send me a letter or prayer to "Hoss" that I can post on a wall in our home and eventually put in a book for him to have in the future. I want him to see with his own eyes the testimony and prayers of others and how God acted. 


I don't presume that things will go better from here on out. In fact, we are experiencing much more fracture in our relationship as of late, but as Charles Spurgeon says, "Never give up praying, even when Satan suggests that prayer is in vain....If the heavens are brass and your prayer only echoes above your head, pray on!If month after month your prayer appears to be miscarried, if you have had no answer, continue to draw close to the Lord. Do not abandon the mercy seat for any reason. If it is a good thing that you have been asking for, and  if you are sure that it is according to the divine will, wait, tarry, pray, weep, plead, wrestle, and agonize until you get what you are praying for." - Beside Still Waters, pg.242


This is our prayer. If you would like to be part of this, please email us anything from a letter to "Hoss" or a prayer for him to  pueblas4jesus@tampabay.rr.com.


How exciting to envision us being able to present a book to him one day full of testimonies, prayers and encouragement by people he may never meet.


Let's storm the gates of heaven!

Father's Day

We had a great Father's Day celebrating the wonderful shepherd that this family has. "Hoss" was missed. But we continue to gain perspective on this trial and ask God to do the miracle only He can. We have not had communication for 6 weeks. We are hoping for a letter from "Hoss" this week. Then we can start rebuilding some form of this relationship. His heart hurts, but until he goes to the perfect Heart Surgeon, there is no real recovery. 

By the Blood of the Lamb

Yesterday started well and ended horribly. Got a letter from my oldest son. Angry, just pure angry.


Imagine anything wicked you can possibly imagine being said to you as a parent. It was said. It incited anger in me. Depression has tried to set in. Thankfully, my Tuesday mornings start with early prayer time with a dear friend of mine. So out of obligation, I rose early. My spirit was still in bed, and wanted to stay there all day. Forever. As I opened God's Word I felt that my hands were leading my mind, but I really wasn't there. I read the words, but they were just words.


Jesus calling came next. It reminded me today to have the intimate time in the morning with my Savior. I looked up one of the verses at the bottom. Revelation 12:10. "And I heard a loud voice in heaven saying, 'Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of His Christ as come. For the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.'"


So, my mind was like, "O.K; on to the next thing." Comforts from the Cross, by Elyse Fitzpatrick is a 31 day walk contemplating the cross of Christ and the work done there. I  open to day 4. BAM!!! There it is written in bold. 


Revelation 12:10. 


I get it. I lay down my Bible and cry. And cry. And cry. Satan will not win this war. He will try, but will not succeed. He wants me to doubt. He wants me to dwell on the evil spoken. I will not. 


Amazingly enough, I had posted a few thoughts on the Facebook group page for Agape Boarding School. A few of the other moms chatted to encourage me and then one wrote this:

 "Sarah I am so sorry to hear this - I believe he is dealing with some spiritual warfare right now I don't know why I think that just a gut feeling - he knows the program has done it before, but now "doing" the program isn't working so his heart must be twitching and I think Satan is feeding him some lies in his head, cause your son is trying to do the right thing but with his head not his heart. Don't ask me where this is coming from I have no clue just a very deep gut feeling.I could be wrong but I believe your son needs all of our prayers to help him through this time. Don't despair sista pray without ceasing and He will hear our cry"

I get it. I know God's throne was bombarded with the prayers of the saints crying out my son's name.

Prayer Warriors

"Mr. Cartwright" is on his way home as I write this. (Internet went down, so I'm publishing this now.)


How do you put into words what it's like visiting your son, whom you love with all your heart who has gone down a road that seems like a dream for the rest of us?


How do you answer those who ask how the visit went? What do you say?


"This sucks!" That's what I'd like to say sometimes...(pardon my french)


On another note, I was so encouraged today as a senior saint at our little fellowship reminded me how she prays for "Hoss". How she has his prayer card on her prayer board and lifts him up each day.


This encouraged me.


It reminded me how narrow my thinking is sometimes. How I forget (too often) how many are praying for this boy-man of mine. These are the things that matter because God is the healer of hearts, not man.


I'm sure "Mr. Cartwright" is drained emotionally. He is already weepy. Seeing our boy was great; leaving is heart-wrenching.


Part of his heart has remained on a 200 acre boys' ranch nestled in southwest Missouri.


God is good through it all.

A Trip

"Mr. Cartwright" flies out tonight to see "Hoss". Please be in prayer for a purposeful visit. There needs to be answers to a few things and we are praying for their hearts to be knit together. 


I know there will be many tears as Sunday comes. Leaving is always the hardest part. Please specifically pray for David to have the right words to speak to "Hoss", as well as just enjoying each other's presence.

God's Provisions

For the last 17 1/2 years, "Mr. Cartwright" and I have experienced amazing provisions from the Lord. So many times I could kick myself as I acknowledge my lack of trust.


Since "Hoss" left and went to Agape Boarding School, finances have been even more unsteady. My faith has failed so often. But I praise my Savior that His provisions do not depend on my faith. It surely is unmerited favor and unbelievable grace.


Since the time the "Cartwrights" started their lives together, we have kept a journal of some sort for our family to remind us these truths. This list started with the gifts of salvation given to us. The first three years of our marriage were blessed by the following:

1978- "Mrs. Cartwright’s" conversion

1989- 2 mystery men (providential messengers)

1990-"Mr. Cartwright's" conversion

1991- Lord delivers "Mr. Cartwright" from death

1993- Delivered from serious injury in red Nissan accident

1993,94,96- Faithfulness and lovingkindness in  "Mrs. Cartwright’s" surgeries (back, endometriosis)

1993- The "Cartwright's" meet

1994- Wedding of the "Cartwright's"

1994- Comfort through  "Mrs. Cartwright’s" miscarriage

1995- Stung by wasp and delivered from death

1996- Delivered from death in auto accident

1996- Received down payment for first house from fellow believer (3,000)

1996- Received anonymous 500.00 to help out with Christmas

1997- Provision for "Hoss'" adoption (10,000)

1997- "Hoss'" adoption

1997- Faithfulness in  "Mrs. Cartwright’s" hysterectomy

1998- Failed adoption gave opportunity for gospel presentation

1998- "Hoss" delivered from death after taking pills

1998- Grant of 3,900 for exact amount of "Little Joe's" adoption

1998- "Little Joe's"adoption

1999- Purchase of Dodge Caravan

2000- "Marie’s" adoption

This is just a sample. God's Faithfulness and Mighty Acts of Provision is an ongoing list. When my faith fails, I pull this out and get down on my knees in repentance and submission. My Master confounds me. I am thankful.


This week we were able to add to this list. We were notified by the Athletic director for our homeschool group, FISH, that an anonymous donor paid for "Little Joe's" basketball season. Praise Him!


Amidst an emotional week concerning my mommy's heart and loving my son from afar, God provided through "Grandpa Cartwright" for David to take a trip to see "Hoss" in April as well as extra spending money. Dad and son will be able to have two and one-half days to themselves to talk and enjoy their time. We are, again, awed, and brought to our knees in thankfulness.


Most of all, I want my children to see my faith at work. I want them to "see" what the Lord has done for us. 
He is Mighty. 


Mighty to Save.

Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow!

God has provided what we needed for our son. He is able to stay at Agape Boys Ranch. Our months will still be living by faith, but our hearts are content as the future of the one we love is now secure. We are thankful to those who are loving on our son; taking our place while we love him from afar. They have made a decision to allow him to stay and had favor on us as well.

Thank you for your prayers.

God gives grace for each moment of each day.

Praise be to our Father and Master.