The Little Things

I don't want to appear ungrateful or to be complaining. I have used this blog in the past to journal about the many paths this life has taken me and the others here on the Ponderosa down.  And sometimes it's messy and sometimes it's ugly.  But I have confidence in the end that it will all be beautiful.

Yet the day to day can wear me down faster than when all my bigs were little.

Those of my friends who have children with struggles. Children who suffer from some sort of trauma. Do you ever just want to ditch it all in and run away? Run away where no one can find you? I am tired of hearing, " I hate you." Every single moment is filled with a fight. Every. Single. One. I am drop dead tired.

I find myself here today.

I have cried. I have prayed.

So today I turned to my Wall of Remembrance and read about the times I have journaled about the van God provided for us. Or the Happy Gotcha Day of each of my children. Or the money orders that came from anonymous people just when we needed it. Or someone that God put in our path to help steer our wayward lambs. I remember the day of my sweet daughter's baptism. I remember my 2 year old's cry for his mommy. I remember my oldest lamb's prayers when he was a tot. I remember all the believer's God has put in our lives and in our fledgling children's lives.

I remember God's faithfulness even when I am faithless. I struggle to believe. But like the Psalmist, I will remember.

Finding a Little Gem of Hope

As I opened up the devotional book to read to my princesses today, I found myself mesmerized by a handwriting from yester-year! A handwritten note with letters that I hadn't seen for quite a while...maybe 12 years ago.

There was a faded highlight over certain words.

Forgive

He loves you

in your place

God has promised

forgiveness

turn away

Jesus as Lord and Savior

I immediately knew who wrote it, and tears came to my eyes. I was full of hope in the knowledge that somewhere deep inside one of my lambs was the introduction of eternal life, sin, hope, salvation, and promise. Somewhere along the way of life he has faltered and allowed many things to crowd out the most essential things. Hurt, pain, anger and idols, among other things, yet I have a renewed confidence in my powerful Savior that He is working all things together. The path looks ugly right now. It hurts.

There is separation and anxiety. There are choices being made that are damaging. But my God is a healer. Lord Jesus, help my unbelief.

But today, I was reminded that over the years, God has been faithful. There is a big boy who at one point in his life was a little boy with a tender heart. And I trust those truths received will not turn void. So I pray again today, as like every day, that God would do the miracle only He can do.

Eight Years

Today marks the day that a special little girl came into our lives. 

Eight years ago a cute little button was moved in after a long couple of months of day visits. This sweet Hannah was in a home that took our hearts with her each time we had to leave her. Foster homes can be a difficult place and that's where our girl lived for almost 2 years before we were able to take her home.

Many days, my heart is wrenched by compassion at the decisions that adults make and how they affect little ones. My little lamb struggles in many ways. Most of all, how to love and accept love. 

So today, we remember that day well. And we are so grateful God chose her for our family. She has brought much joy to us. She has taught us how to love better too! Our prayer is that as she loves all God's creation she would see her Creator as glorious!  

Hard Life Lessons on Sin, Death and Grace Gifts

This last week was a tough one for my littlest. My nature lover. The friend of all animals. It was sanctifying for me too.

It started out as a regular ole' school week. Math lessons streeeeetttcccched out for longer than necessary. Sassy talk. Discipline. Hugs. Laughter.

Until Mr. Cartwright called home. He found a possum. A baby possum. He had thought of our little one who loves to nurture on lost and needy animals. I asked him, "Please not this time....I don't think I can do a possum." Well, little Inger overheard the conversation and asked permission to call her daddy about this issue. He was long gone from the sight he had found it, but PROMISED that the next time he found one, he would bring it home. Now mind you, HE HAD NEVER FOUND A POSSUM. EVER.

The very next day he came across another little guy. And he kept his promise. So Prince came into our lives. I NEVER would have EVER said I would have a possum in my home, yet I knew this would be an important experience in my little one's life. We read and learned tons about possums. Did you know they do not suck like other baby animals? They are marsupials who are in the momma's pouch for 90 days. We think our little guy was about 5 months old. He still needed milk although he lapped from a water bowl. So we gave him a bottle that he chewed on and we'd squeeze a few extra drops into his mouth.

I caved after the first night of him sleeping in a box in the garage. Inger begged for him to be in the zippered cat carrier on her bed at night. This worked well. She was such a good momma! She carried him in her apron or robe pocket. She played with him as he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. She would walk around with him on her shoulder and he'd just sit there looking around.

In the evening of the sixth night we'd had him, he stopped eating and grew weaker and weaker! We tucked him in for the night, but I knew he wasn't going to make it. Little Prince died that night.

The next morning, my hubby and I were up early talking and getting ready to read Scripture, when a little person came out of her room wondering what happened. She snuggled up on me as I told her Prince had died. She started sobbing! Crying harder than ever!

I took her onto my bed and let her cry, talking to her about how God loves his creation. How He cares for the birds of the air and gives all those flowers she loves so much their beautiful clothes. I reminded her that Jesus knew little Prince was sick and allowed her to be part of his life. I, then, turned to the subject at hand. This subject being a little harder to discuss with her as she struggles through her own life, blinded to her sin as of yet. Not thinking she needs a Savior up to this point. But, this mommy's heart, knowing this was another opportunity to help her see the effects of sin on the world. Sin that separates us from a holy God. Sin that demands judgment. The Gospel became central again. I prayed that it hit close to home for my little lamb.

I turned to my own thoughts. I realized it just happened to be the anniversary of my dear mother's home going 5 years prior. I allowed myself to shed tears that were bottled up for the day. I tend to "keep busy" so that I don't have to face my own sadness at times, but my Heavenly Father knew I needed to grieve as well. This was a grace gift to start my day.

I laid there as we cried together. Both hurting. One of us knowing grace; the other needing it.

An Amazing Woman

I still have dreams about her. I often wake from those dreams thinking she is still with me. Alive. Here on Earth. Then I remember.

She's gone. Still Alive. But gone.

It has been five years today since Mom went home to be with the Lord.

Every year I consider a different aspect of the legacy Mom left. This year I have thought so much over what she gave in the years when I was 4 years old until 13. My life could have been very different if Jesus had not intervened in my parent's lives as well as mine.

When I was two years old, they were ready with papers to file for divorce. My dad came to Christ and soon after my mom did as well. This started them on another path. One of giving of their lives for others, specifically, teens at risk. They became foster parents for teenagers. Many boys and girls came into our lives, for just a season. But I know one of change for them. For most heard about Jesus, maybe for the first time. During these years, I am told there were struggles. I am told money was sparse. I am told life was difficult. I didn't know any of these things until I was older. NEVER.

My dad worked at IBM; my mom stayed home. She babysat for extra money and led Back Yard Bible Clubs. They both had Bible Studies with other couples. They counseled couples. We were able to attend a Christian School. We went to Lake Drive Baptist Church two times on Sunday and every Wednesday. It was 45 minutes from home. Priorities were made and the Lord blessed.

Their heart's desire was to start a full time ministry, a home for teens. The Potter's Wheel, this was to be called. I still remember the dark gray farmhouse they had found in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. But the Lord had other plans. The current house we lived in would not sell. And through God's great providence, we ended up moving down to Florida so our family could be closer to Grammy Stebbins, my Father's mother, who was dying from cancer. And years later, am thankful, as I look as my beloved and give thanks.

Looking back on these few memories from life and childhood, I remember how constant my mother was. I know my love for adoption and the desires to help hurting children and even my love for Biblical Counseling was fostered through her (and my dad's) examples. We are still in contact with some of those teens that grew up and now have families of their own. We see the hurting couples that my parent's helped, thriving and doing well.

My mom loved well. For this I remember her today.

I Had a Son Named Elisha

Ten years ago today, a 10 month old little boy was placed in my arms.

We named him Elisha.

He was a special needs baby who desperately needed a loving home. He was cross-eyed and had kidney failure. He couldn't turn over or hold his head up. But instantly, I was his mom. For the first time in my adoptive mothering I held him next to my bare chest and attempted to nurse him. I envisioned taking him to therapy, as I had done with some of my other lambs. I knew from experience love could conquer so much and his life would never be the same. His smile lit up his face. He had cute little dimples. His new family did nothing but dote on him from the time we brought him home from South Florida.

But our life was never the same.

On the third day of becoming his family, we received a dreaded phone call. Our attorney called to let us know that his birth mother called and changed her mind. (Florida Law states that if a baby is over 6 months old, she has 3 days to change her decision.)

My world crashed down around me. I held my dear Elisha all night and wept, not understanding why. Some dear friends took our older three children the next day and I said goodbye to my precious son, whom I had already born from my heart. My dear love took him and his possessions and met our attorney at the train station to hand him over to the woman who bore him. Mr. Cartwright had the perspective that I wish I could have had. As he handed my sweet Elisha to her, he spoke to her kindly and compassionately. He told her that there is Someone Who knows her pain. Someone Who gave up His only Son to death.

For Her. For Elisha. For the world.

And then proceeded to give her the Gospel message.

Days passed. The tears were fewer. Until 2 weeks later.

I received a telephone call from a detective. The words pierced my soul. My hands were shaking. "I am calling in reference to the death of an infant that has previously been in your care." WHAT!!!???!

Yes, Elisha was dead. Stories did not add up and there was an investigation of possible foul play. Pain ripped through my heart. The ending and outcome of this part of our story is still unknown. I never heard back as to what occurred.

On the other hand, I became angry. No, not a soul knew, but my own. I wrestled and wrestled. God was patient. I learned so much through this difficult time.

There are times in our lives when there are no answers. There is no understanding as to why. But one thing I learned is God is still to be trusted. Elisha is in a much better place than he would have been for the rest of his young days. I don't know why God chose to take him home. Even if someone else made the human decision to end his life, God still was sovereign over it.

Today as decisions need to be made concerning other things in my life, I can still trust my Creator.  I know pain seems so strong. But God's grace and love is stronger.

Who knows? Maybe the woman who carried Elisha and gave birth came to know my Savior through all of this. Though we will never know, GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY!

Overwhelming Fear and Grief...But God

If you are feeling as I am today. Fearful. Shaky. Angry. Anxious. Distant from God.

Then please listen to this.

God knew I needed it.

Now my bottle of tears is overflowing again. But God actually knows how many I've cried.

Another Special Trip

As I write this, my precious gift of 18 years ago, is flying hundreds of miles to meet the gift giver. 

I met this gift giver at the same airport that my boy-man flew out of this morning just a short 18 years ago. This beautiful bundle was placed in my arms and the mommy-love flowed immediately. 

And has never stopped. 

And is even more strong. 

This love raised this gift. This love has shed millions of tears over the anguish of adoption. This love desires to understand the pain of my boy. This love has led to this day. Love is honest. So a piece of my heart is in the air as I write this.

I never knew such joy could mingle with such pain. I guess it's like birth. Birthing a piece of me from my heart. 

I am truly grateful and happy my SON will get answers to the pain he has felt for so many years, yet my heart cries out in fear of loss. 

So each breath I take today and tomorrow and the next day will look to my Savior and His Word to remind me of His truth. I will fight through the lies and I will strive to be thankful.

A Wall Of Remembrance

For many years I have been praying about my "memorial stones". After reading Hinds Feet in High Places, and being impressed about all those stones of remembrance she put in her pockets along life's journey to the high places, I desired to make a memorial for the Puebla Ponderosa to have to commemorate God's faithfulness to us.

So I had an idea. An idea of a remembrance wall. A place where we passed by daily and could take into our senses all that God has done and REMEMBER!  A place where my children can see visibly how God has rescued us and provided in amazing ways.

Just this week, life happened, and I walked over and read the past feats God accomplished in our lives and it encouraged me.

I knew I wanted the central point to be the journal pages from our family remembrances over the last 20 years. I printed them out on parchment paper, burned the edges and mounted them on a canvas that I painted. I then lacquered them.

Obviously, the "P" signifies the Puebla Ponderosa.

At first, when I was putting this wall together in my mind, I wanted the word "faithfulness" etched on something. But as time went on, I realized God's faithfulness wasn't changing, but our remembering to remember was. So my hubby cut out individual pieces of wood that I stenciled the letters to read "remember".

After we were married, I cross stitched our vows. I was determined to make this part of our wall of remembrance. These covenants were vital to the Ponderosa. God is the sustainer of all. He is the reason we exist.

Of course, pictures had to be part of the wall. I took a day a few weeks ago, to reminisce. If I am like each of you, I have gobs and gobs of pictures. If you were a fly on the wall of my heart you would have seen tears and heard laughter; sensed regret, and felt leaps of joy. Moments of treasured days have slipped away. It was good to remember in this way.

I strived to choose pictures that were integral parts of our lives for the past 20 years. 

Next, I had seen a beautiful piece of craftiness on pinterest with scrabble letter tiles. So I arranged our names and added an important dimension that has knit our family as one. A family from many backgrounds into a beautiful picture of art.

Before, Christmas last year I was given a creative chalkboard from this amazing online store. Each week we take turns writing what we are thankful for. My littlest had the last go round...in modern lingo...bff's...that's what she is thankful for.

Lastly, I knew I wanted Scripture that reminded us how this wall came to be and to Whom we give glory for His faithfulness. The Lord has encouraged us to be strong and to be still.

So, there you have it. I pray these displays are forever etched in our hearts. I encourage you to find that arena in which to carry your memorial stones. 

Much love from the Puebla Ponderosa

A Very Special Gift

This Christmas our family was given a very special gift. One that my heart is overflowing with gratitude for. Before I can speak more specifically about it, I'm going to tell you a little about the last several years. Many of you have heard and read about it.  But for others this may be the first time you hear about our story.

Like many other families we have had our share of ups and downs. Five years ago our oldest left on a journey at 12 that would take him away for a few years. Years that I felt we're stolen from us and him. Days during those years where I asked "why" so often I dreamt about it. 

Four years ago my beloved mother was taken home to be the Lord after a year long battle with cancer. She left a huge hole in our family but thankfully, a legacy too! She is so much of the reason we have so many wonderful memories. Some of those memories and traditions were centered around Christmas. Cookies, baking, hospitality, FAMILY, etc. These were just a few.

My father became lonely very quickly and the Lord provided him with a wonderful, Godly wife who has complimented him in so many ways. But just like all things in life, people adjust to these changes in many different ways. Some of my siblings have struggled while others were able to immediately accept this change. Emotions were very high at times and differences were hard to overlook. Time had to be allowed and patience given.

Fast forward to a little over a year ago. My oldest is home but under very difficult circumstances. Christmas was dampened by decisions made by precious ones. Many tears were shed and it was tumultuous, to say the least. But I had been learning to take each day in light of God's glorious plan for our lives. This was just part of it.

So this year, plans started to be made for Christmas. In years past, my brother, his wife and 4 children; my sister, her husband and 3 children; my youngest sister, and my parents would spend late Christmas Eve into Christmas Day together. We would all sleep around the Christmas tree, while listening to Nat King Cole, Bing Crosby, Andy Williams and many others. We would enjoy trying to set booby traps for my dad as he brought out our stuffed stockings. we had hoped these would wake us. One year it worked as my brother had set a string attached to a tower of plastic cups across the the path my father would take to bring our stockings. What a fun memory!

Many years have passed since we have been able to all be together again.  So as the time got closer for celebration this year we all made plans to meet at my brothers and renew our tradition. Miraculously, we all arrived and made it quite the Christmas Eve overnight. There were 23 of us in all. The children were sacked out on the floor in the living room and all the adults took the bedrooms. Unlike when we were little, our beautiful kiddos let us sleep past six a.m. We read the Christmas story and then sang two praise and worship songs. 

I had a pretty neat idea for dinner time conversation. I had received 12 napkin ties from Ever Thine Home. Each napkin tie had a question or conversation starter written on it that gave you an idea to share around the theme of family and thankfulness. I envisioned laughter and heartfelt sharing, but I could never have realized what exactly the Lord was doing in each of our hearts during this hour of full bellies and tear streaked cheeks. Each napkin was placed randomly around the table. But I believe that each person sat just in the seat they needed to be in to let the healing begin. I wish with all my heart there was deep healing in my own children's hearts as well. They have such holes of pain and loss that often come when you are the adoptee. But as I think through how Christ used the Christmas dinner in the adult's lives I realize we are all in our 40's or older and finally getting "it".

Well, back to the story. 

As my beloved brothers, sisters, and dad and his wife shared hurts, joys, reflections and sorrows, there was a realness to our conversation. There was vulnerability and unspoken healing. Forgiveness was given and received without the normal apologies. Many, many tears were shed amidst the realities of life lessons including parenting, marriage and yearning for other's hurting hearts.

FAMILY! That is what we received! As all of our children are growing and getting their wings, we realize that this may be the beginning of some very different traditions. New friends which may become spouses, college days, jobs in far away places: all these things play into these new memories and traditions.

But for today I am so grateful for seeming to have come full circle. 

Here are a few pics for you to enjoy!