(This an extremely honest post of my journaling through this difficult path. For eighteen years I have lifted up and praised the gift givers of my four precious lambs. I will continue to do so. But for today I lay my bare heart open.)
Two mothers means lots of questions and many mixed emotions.
My boy-man is caught up in these emotions.
And so am I.
I keep asking myself, "What makes a mother? A mom? A mommy?"
Giving birth is one aspect but essentially a small part. Eighteen years of being present. Changing diapers. Wiping noses. Mingling tears. Holding hands through the good and hard times. Hearing sweet words whispered in one's ear. Whispering "I love you too". Being there through the difficult, painful years of torn identity.
Now before some of you misunderstand what I am saying, please let me explain. I have NO idea the immense pain one feels when giving birth then placing that bundle in someone else's arms. I can't even imagine being able to have the strength to do so.
But I want to speak my heart today. Can one just expect to come back years later and talk about "being mom" and her "child" coming "home"?
These questions are on the tip of my heart all day. Every day.
And there may never be answers.
So as my wise pastor reminded me this week, "You have the opportunity to show forth the second greatest picture of the Gospel. The adoption of God's children. He reached down to save wretched sinners and adopt us not by anything we have done. ONLY BY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!"
That's the kicker; the hardest thing in life, by far. To keep loving when rejected.
In reality all the above issues come down to a heart issue. If Christ is central, others would be next. If Christ is Lord in the lives of everyone involved then there would be the ability to have positive resolutions.
So today I pray for the hearts of those involved. That Christ would be Lord and Master.
I am confident Hoss will at some point truly remember who his "mother" is but until then I look to the cross.