The New Year rushed in with so many feelings. We have enjoyed having "Hoss" home, yet there were some very unexpected emotions for me. I was overjoyed, yet anxious. I still am fighting my thoughts...the what-ifs. But I have been learning to continually meditate on the God of the Word.
I have never fought anxiety in such a physical way....yet, my God is bigger than all of my thoughts or life experiences.
I have picked up one of my favorite reads again, Hinds' Feet in High Places. Much-Afraid finds herself completely overcome by fear. As I read, I realize this is Me. I want to follow the Good Shepherd, but the fears seem so strong, that I feel like I can't breathe at times. Much-Afraid finally makes her hard decision and leaves the Fearlings and starts on her journey with the Good Shepherd. Little does she know things are going to get much harder before she reaches the High Places. In fact, the Good Shepherd gives her two guides to help her. Their names? Sorrow and Suffering!
Here I close the book and weep, for I know this is how the Lord refines those who are His children. This is the only way I will learn to be completely dependent on Him.
So, now, each minute of every day, I am meditating on this:
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD
And whose trust is the LORD.
For he will be like a tree planted by the water,
That extends its roots by a stream
And will not FEAR when the heat comes;
But its leaves will be green,
And it will not be ANXIOUS in a year of drought
Nor cease to yield fruit."
God has continued to bring this verse to my path for the past two years, and, yet, it has become more dear than ever. I have felt the fear. I have felt the anxiety. I have not trusted.
I want to trust.
Please pray for me, friends, as I transition back to the role of "Hoss'" mom.