I Had a Son Named Elisha

Ten years ago today, a 10 month old little boy was placed in my arms.

We named him Elisha.

He was a special needs baby who desperately needed a loving home. He was cross-eyed and had kidney failure. He couldn't turn over or hold his head up. But instantly, I was his mom. For the first time in my adoptive mothering I held him next to my bare chest and attempted to nurse him. I envisioned taking him to therapy, as I had done with some of my other lambs. I knew from experience love could conquer so much and his life would never be the same. His smile lit up his face. He had cute little dimples. His new family did nothing but dote on him from the time we brought him home from South Florida.

But our life was never the same.

On the third day of becoming his family, we received a dreaded phone call. Our attorney called to let us know that his birth mother called and changed her mind. (Florida Law states that if a baby is over 6 months old, she has 3 days to change her decision.)

My world crashed down around me. I held my dear Elisha all night and wept, not understanding why. Some dear friends took our older three children the next day and I said goodbye to my precious son, whom I had already born from my heart. My dear love took him and his possessions and met our attorney at the train station to hand him over to the woman who bore him. Mr. Cartwright had the perspective that I wish I could have had. As he handed my sweet Elisha to her, he spoke to her kindly and compassionately. He told her that there is Someone Who knows her pain. Someone Who gave up His only Son to death.

For Her. For Elisha. For the world.

And then proceeded to give her the Gospel message.

Days passed. The tears were fewer. Until 2 weeks later.

I received a telephone call from a detective. The words pierced my soul. My hands were shaking. "I am calling in reference to the death of an infant that has previously been in your care." WHAT!!!???!

Yes, Elisha was dead. Stories did not add up and there was an investigation of possible foul play. Pain ripped through my heart. The ending and outcome of this part of our story is still unknown. I never heard back as to what occurred.

On the other hand, I became angry. No, not a soul knew, but my own. I wrestled and wrestled. God was patient. I learned so much through this difficult time.

There are times in our lives when there are no answers. There is no understanding as to why. But one thing I learned is God is still to be trusted. Elisha is in a much better place than he would have been for the rest of his young days. I don't know why God chose to take him home. Even if someone else made the human decision to end his life, God still was sovereign over it.

Today as decisions need to be made concerning other things in my life, I can still trust my Creator.  I know pain seems so strong. But God's grace and love is stronger.

Who knows? Maybe the woman who carried Elisha and gave birth came to know my Savior through all of this. Though we will never know, GOD IS TRUSTWORTHY!

I Did It Again...Followed By An Apology

Today, my mouth and emotions got the best of me.

But, I mean, all I asked was a simple command. And he didn't want to do it in my time when I asked...I'm the mom. I mean,  just obey....it's that simple.

NOT!!!!

And like many other times, words spewed out of my mouth that were, indeed, truth. Just not spoken in love. Therefore, words that really didn't need to be said at all. (And might I add, they were pretty loud words...thankfully the windows weren't open today.)

I excused myself from the school table and went to my room, feeling pretty lousy. I knelt down and cried until I couldn't open my eyes. I screwed up again. Again. AGAIN. I want to have the right responses. I get so tired of failing when it really matters. I want to love the unlovable, but boy, it is so hard at times.

I texted him and told him how wrong I was and how sorry I was. That no matter what happened, I didn't have the right to speak that way to him. (Thank God for texting, especially when you are dealing with someone who struggles to let go and forgive quickly.) Then I proceeded to get on the computer and look at some of the blogs I follow. Guess what?

Yup, you guessed it. Lynn Cowell's blog was titled, Words of Wisdom, and yes, it nailed it!  I was encouraged and uplifted and sent back to the Word.

I will start again tomorrow, trying to think about my reactions and then responding.

Temper Tantrums!!!!

"It's not fair!"

"You always let...." (The door slams. I hear the click of the lock)

"You are so mean." (She races to the far edge of the backyard.)

No, I am not talking about my teens. I am talking about my littlest. I'm not sure what has transpired in the last year (other than the normal chaos of this path we've been on), but she has seemed to come unglued, or at least she's a couple of years ahead of the normal craziness. (Maybe because she lives with 3 other teens, she has jumped quickly ahead. Oh, dear. Lord, I pray this is not the case.)

As I sit here waiting for her to come out of her room, settled down, wonder how many times I have slammed the door in my Jesus' face. Hmmm.

I wonder how long He's waited for me to unlock the door and come out.

I wonder how He's been so patient when I tell Him that I know what is best for me.

I want to scream and yell at "Inger", "Get out here now and how dare you lock me out or run away from me." I want to grab deep in her chest and change that little heart. I want to open up her mind and find out what is going on inside.

I must choose to sit quietly and wait. I've learned that when I do force my authority when emotions are high, it escalates into a shouting match. So I look to my Heavenly Father and ask how I can do this thing called "mothering." 

(Nothing like dealing with this on the eve of that awesome "secular" holiday, Mother's day, when all children everywhere are supposed to bow down and kiss their mother's feet and tell them how much they appreciate ALL they have done.)

My Heavenly Father reminds me how He does that thing called, "loving". UNCONDITIONALLY!

*Just a caveat: as I finish this post, she is currently writing out Scriptures on anger...and hoping she gets done in time to run some errands with me. I do believe in discipline, but it looks so much different then it did with my oldest...when I thought I knew everything about parenting.

Unanswered Questions????

You ask me, "Why?"

I don't have an answer that will fill your anxious heart.

You tell me, "I want to know. I want to know now."

I say, "You won't believe me."

I say, "You must trust me as your mom."

"Hoss" continues to hurt and be full of anger at the unknown, unanswered questions.

I continue to hurt and question whether the first 11 years of his life mattered.

Deep down inside I know the truth. The battle remains. Can't we fast-forward 4 years? Wouldn't that make things easier? I have questions, too, son.

But I turn to the One who holds all the answers to life. I trust.

More Tears

No letters or phone calls. This is what we have been told today regarding "Hoss".

We must love from afar.

He is rejecting any love from us and my heart hurts. Badly.

The letters coming from him are full of anger, hurt, pain and more anger.

So our response must be love full of compassion. Not for his sin, but for his relationship as SON!

For he will be this forever. No matter what he thinks.

This I know. He is our SON!

Though this parent-child thing is in question, friendship will be possible one day.

Words of Life

Ephesians 4:29-32

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

The Puebla Ponderosa has been meditating on these verses lately as conflict arises daily. And most, if not all, conflict is started by our words.

Do we realize that every words that comes from our mouths are not just directed at the other person, but ultimately towards God. For all men are created in His image. When we call names, show impatience, cut someone off in a conversation, speak bitter or anger words, and many more things, we are aiming all those "arrows" at our Lord.

I have encouraged my children to stop before they open their mouths and think about what they want to say. If we would all do that, there would be so much less pain in our words. Our words can cut to the very soul. OR our words can bring life and healing.

What are your words bringing forth today?