Hard Life Lessons on Sin, Death and Grace Gifts

This last week was a tough one for my littlest. My nature lover. The friend of all animals. It was sanctifying for me too.

It started out as a regular ole' school week. Math lessons streeeeetttcccched out for longer than necessary. Sassy talk. Discipline. Hugs. Laughter.

Until Mr. Cartwright called home. He found a possum. A baby possum. He had thought of our little one who loves to nurture on lost and needy animals. I asked him, "Please not this time....I don't think I can do a possum." Well, little Inger overheard the conversation and asked permission to call her daddy about this issue. He was long gone from the sight he had found it, but PROMISED that the next time he found one, he would bring it home. Now mind you, HE HAD NEVER FOUND A POSSUM. EVER.

The very next day he came across another little guy. And he kept his promise. So Prince came into our lives. I NEVER would have EVER said I would have a possum in my home, yet I knew this would be an important experience in my little one's life. We read and learned tons about possums. Did you know they do not suck like other baby animals? They are marsupials who are in the momma's pouch for 90 days. We think our little guy was about 5 months old. He still needed milk although he lapped from a water bowl. So we gave him a bottle that he chewed on and we'd squeeze a few extra drops into his mouth.

I caved after the first night of him sleeping in a box in the garage. Inger begged for him to be in the zippered cat carrier on her bed at night. This worked well. She was such a good momma! She carried him in her apron or robe pocket. She played with him as he seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. She would walk around with him on her shoulder and he'd just sit there looking around.

In the evening of the sixth night we'd had him, he stopped eating and grew weaker and weaker! We tucked him in for the night, but I knew he wasn't going to make it. Little Prince died that night.

The next morning, my hubby and I were up early talking and getting ready to read Scripture, when a little person came out of her room wondering what happened. She snuggled up on me as I told her Prince had died. She started sobbing! Crying harder than ever!

I took her onto my bed and let her cry, talking to her about how God loves his creation. How He cares for the birds of the air and gives all those flowers she loves so much their beautiful clothes. I reminded her that Jesus knew little Prince was sick and allowed her to be part of his life. I, then, turned to the subject at hand. This subject being a little harder to discuss with her as she struggles through her own life, blinded to her sin as of yet. Not thinking she needs a Savior up to this point. But, this mommy's heart, knowing this was another opportunity to help her see the effects of sin on the world. Sin that separates us from a holy God. Sin that demands judgment. The Gospel became central again. I prayed that it hit close to home for my little lamb.

I turned to my own thoughts. I realized it just happened to be the anniversary of my dear mother's home going 5 years prior. I allowed myself to shed tears that were bottled up for the day. I tend to "keep busy" so that I don't have to face my own sadness at times, but my Heavenly Father knew I needed to grieve as well. This was a grace gift to start my day.

I laid there as we cried together. Both hurting. One of us knowing grace; the other needing it.

An Amazing Woman

I still have dreams about her. I often wake from those dreams thinking she is still with me. Alive. Here on Earth. Then I remember.

She's gone. Still Alive. But gone.

It has been five years today since Mom went home to be with the Lord.

Every year I consider a different aspect of the legacy Mom left. This year I have thought so much over what she gave in the years when I was 4 years old until 13. My life could have been very different if Jesus had not intervened in my parent's lives as well as mine.

When I was two years old, they were ready with papers to file for divorce. My dad came to Christ and soon after my mom did as well. This started them on another path. One of giving of their lives for others, specifically, teens at risk. They became foster parents for teenagers. Many boys and girls came into our lives, for just a season. But I know one of change for them. For most heard about Jesus, maybe for the first time. During these years, I am told there were struggles. I am told money was sparse. I am told life was difficult. I didn't know any of these things until I was older. NEVER.

My dad worked at IBM; my mom stayed home. She babysat for extra money and led Back Yard Bible Clubs. They both had Bible Studies with other couples. They counseled couples. We were able to attend a Christian School. We went to Lake Drive Baptist Church two times on Sunday and every Wednesday. It was 45 minutes from home. Priorities were made and the Lord blessed.

Their heart's desire was to start a full time ministry, a home for teens. The Potter's Wheel, this was to be called. I still remember the dark gray farmhouse they had found in Sheboygan, Wisconsin. But the Lord had other plans. The current house we lived in would not sell. And through God's great providence, we ended up moving down to Florida so our family could be closer to Grammy Stebbins, my Father's mother, who was dying from cancer. And years later, am thankful, as I look as my beloved and give thanks.

Looking back on these few memories from life and childhood, I remember how constant my mother was. I know my love for adoption and the desires to help hurting children and even my love for Biblical Counseling was fostered through her (and my dad's) examples. We are still in contact with some of those teens that grew up and now have families of their own. We see the hurting couples that my parent's helped, thriving and doing well.

My mom loved well. For this I remember her today.

A Special Visit

It's been a tad crazy here at the Ponderosa. I pray you all had a great Thanksgiving and time of fellowship with family and friends. We certainly did.

 The day after Thanksgiving we traveled a couple of hours away and went to see my grandfather, the kids' great-grandfather. He was admitted to hospice as he had internal bleeding and his body was shutting down. I don't know about you, but this grandfather was one of those who everyone loved. I am so thankful we were able to see him a few days ago and he recognized the kids and they were able to say goodbye. We received word this morning that he passed away peacefully without pain. He will be sorely missed.

(These pictures were taken in January of 2011)

On another note, our big "Hoss" is scheduled to come home for his first home visit this Christmas. He will also be turning 16 at that time. We look forward to making lots of new memories. But I would ask that you please be praying, dear friends, for a peaceful time. Please pray for my emotions. I am fighting anxiety right now, but consciously keep going back to God's Word, His promises and aiming my heart to the cross. 

My thought for each day: "Lord, help me not to live in fear of the possible dangers, but in true peace and joy knowing You are in complete control."

Two Years

Today is the anniversary of Mom's home going. I think back to that time two years ago and, wow, have things changed. My heart is sad. I miss her just as much, yet, I have a hope today that I am so thankful for.


As I pulled out all my pictures and cards she wrote to me in the past years, by heart swells with gratefulness to the Lord for giving me the mom He did. My life would be so different.


"Sarah-Jeannie", the name she called me so often still reverberates in my ears. I can feel her arms around me encouraging me to trust in the Lord.


Those last few weeks of caring for her were the hardest days of my life and yet, such a great gift. She praised God through every day and hour. The grace of God was truly on her life until the end. 


My mom finished well.


I pray I can follow in her footsteps. I want to hear those words which I know she heard, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant."


Mom, I love you. You ARE beautiful. You inspire be every day to love God more. I miss you. And you know what I am going to ask you....Please pray for your grandson. He misses you too. And needs to surrender to our Lord. 

Only Her!

The past couple of days I have thought about my mom quite a bit.

I miss her so much. There are days when I can hear her voice still. Days when I am singing that I hear her song ring out. Days I look in the mirror and she is looking back at me. (The older I get, the more this happens.)

I was and still am blessed to have had a mom who cared for me in the way she did. She had a way of getting things done. No obstacle in her way. (The Walmart managers can attest to this)

She was full of life.

But, lately, I have been mulling over her death. I know. Not somewhere I should be hanging out at too long. And yet, there was such beauty and peace through the last couple of weeks in her life. I was so thankful to have been there to care for her. I can still smell her hair. Many times a day I would comb it as it would help her to relax. There are times I can't believe she is gone. This week has been just one of those times. Wishing I could pick up the phone and tell her that I'm quitting this thing called "mommyhood".

Tell her that I can't do this another day.
Tell her that I am so frustrated at teaching my children.
Tell her that I just want my boy home.
Tell her that I love her.

Then I would hear her say, "You can do it." I would hear her laugh that infectious laugh and tell me what a great   job I am doing. Only she can say it the way she did.

The most beautiful thing about her death was the presence of the Lord during those days. He was there with us. He gave us the grace to face death...of her body. But we have complete assurance that she is alive and well. Christ beat death. He gives us life.

I mull on this some more.

Book Review - Nearing Home

Billy Graham is an American household name. Many people have come to Christ in the ministry God has given him. One of the most influential books he has written is his new book, Nearing Home.


Very well written, Graham gives those in any age, but specifically older saints, courage as he practically lays out how to live well to the end. Most importantly, the pages are filled with Scripture to encourage those who are discouraged. For as one ages, the pains are stronger and the body fails. But God is the source of strength. 


Practically speaking, he delves into preparing financially so as not to burden those left behind, as well as encouraging those who are aged to NOT retire. To keep busy ministering to the Lord and the world. This is so contrary to what the world deems as your right for all the hard work you've done previously. Most importantly he encourages the reader to keep going to the end...and finish well, keeping one's eye on the prize of heaven.


Truly it is not how one starts  life, but how one finishes.


As I read this book, I found myself desiring old age. I know, this sounds a little silly. But Billy Graham has an amazing perspective. One that I saw in my own mom as a fatal sickness took her. Even though she didn't have a chance to live into older years, she finished well.


Thank you, Mr. Billy Graham for giving us the best you ever have.

I received a free copy of this book, as part of Booksneeze blogging network.

Hymn Study #3 - Martin Luther

This week at the Ponderosa, we are studying the life of Martin Luther as well as the hymn, A Mighty Fortress is Our God.

Martin Luther was a man of God whom God used in a mighty way to change the course of world history as well and the course of the church of Jesus Christ. Luther grew up in a home that practiced the Catholic faith and ended up at a monastery, but God was already working on opening his eyes to the fallacy and evils of the Roman Catholic church. He fought and fought hard, but finally ended up having to hide to save his life. God protected him and in the process, he wrote this hymn. I am thankful for his fight.

The last stanza is this hymn states:

"That word above all earthly powers,

no thanks to them, abideth;

the spirit and the gifts are ours,

thru him who with us sideth.

Let goods and kindred go,

this mortal life also;

the body they may kill;

God's truth abideth still;

his kingdom is forever.

Martin Luther had a firm faith (without works) in the Lord. He did not fear death. He trusted in the Sovereign Creator for his life and death.

From Life to Life

We received a letter from our oldest today. Less anger, more hurt. This is easier to take. He asks the question, "Why am I sitting here and people all around me dying?"

Our dear friend, Tim Borland, went home to be with Christ this last week. Tim was one of God's gifts to this world. His passion for the Gospel exuded from his soul.

So, I answer my dear son.

"I don't know. Yet, I do know.

Sin. We live in a fallen world full of sin, self, disease and death. Sin, the most deadly disease of all. The bad news. There can't be good news without the bad.

Aside from God's Word, there is fear of all of these. What I am confident in, is this. Christ died and was buried and rose again 3 days later. He conquered sin and death. He is the good news. Death is a sure thing. Eternity is as well. The question is where will you spend it?

It seems so unfair at times. But, what is the most unfair thing, is Christ dying in our place to redeem us from our sin and the grave.

So, yes, it hurts to lose those we love. But, we have hope. Turn your heart and mind to Christ. He is the answer.

I love you and miss you. I hurt with you."

Our Hope

Laurie, this is for you!

A Conversation Not to Forget

A couple of days ago, my darling daughters and I were on our way home from the eye doctor, who happens to be one and a half hours away. So there is plenty of time for conversation.

After a few minutes of quiet, Marie asked me a question.

"Mommy, what were Gran's parents' names?"

"John and Barbara Kovachik", was my reply. I was not ready for the path we were headed down, but thankful for a sweet daughter's heart.

"Did they know Jesus, Mommy?"

I suck in breath. "I don't think they did, Sweetie."

"That means they are in hell?"

I don't want to go there. "Yes. They are if they didn't embrace Christ as Lord of their lives."

"That's awful!"

At this point I am telling myself, "Opportunity!"

"Marie, that is why it is so important to share Christ with those around us. Even your 2 friends in the neighborhood that don't know Jesus, need to hear. We may move one day and never see them again. We need to use every opportunity to share our light."

"Or, they could get in a car accident and die, right Mommy?"

My thoughts turn inward. How often do my children see me sharing my light with those around me? Have they ever heard me give the Gospel to others?

I am so thankful for the heart of my little girl.

I knew all along that my precocious 5 year old was listening.

1 Year Without Her

Today is the day I have dreaded all year...one year since Mom went home to be with Jesus. As I was thinking over the last year during the last couple of weeks, I came across a card she had sent me 2 years ago during the first episode with my oldest. I could faintly hear her voice as I read the written words. She encourages me still though she is far away.

I feel the space betweeen us so often. How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to feel?

I hear a resounding yes from my Shepherd. The One Who holds her in His care. The One who knows the emptiness in my heart and the hearts of my family members.

The feelings are all encompassing and not at all. All at the same time.

I remember....

*her beautiful eyes that shined forth Christ's love

*her infectious laugh that brought joy at so many times

*so many "I need Mommy" moments that she was there at my beck and call

*her shoulder was so soft at the times of tears

*she gave so freely of herself

*her love for God's Word

*the many days when her responsibilities were all emcompassing: 5 day backyard clubs, parenting foster teenagers as well as her own 4, and making meals for many out of nothing (just to name a few)

*her LONG and LENGTHY Christmas letters that filled everyone in on the DAILY happenings of life in the Stebbins' household

*her love for her grandchildren was secure and full

*her voice, her laugh, her prayers

But , I know I will see her again. I know through Christ she has conquered death. She is not gone. She is not dead. She is alive and well.

I miss her and forever will.

Another Book Sent From Above

I just finished reading, Desperate Hope, When Faith in God Overcame My Despair, by Candi Pearson-Shelton.

God placed this book in my hands. No. Really. I did put it on hold at our local library, not knowing what in the world it was about. It sounded like a great read.

My Precious Savior knew more. He knew I had to read it.

Candi Pearson-Shelton takes us on her journey of losing her beloved brother, Ricky, to a two month battle with Leukemia. She and her brother both have been part of the Passion Movement. She wrote the title song to the album, Glory Revealed. She knows her Savior and yet, like me, she had so many questions that she had to explore to come to the realization of her great Savior. This Savior that she had so often sung about.

Her story is candid. Her journey is my journey. The mental and emotional fog she existed in, I have felt and at times still feel. But I also cling to the promises she reminds herself and the readers.

Each chapter is filled with raw emotion, yet solid truths from God's Word. God used this book, along with Scripture, to begin a new level of healing in my soul. I know God's Word is true, yet I have hesitated to dig in. I thank my Shepherd for using the body of Christ to speak to the depths of my soul. He brings trials, grief, hurt and comfort to some in order to comfort others. It is so astoundingly true.

One amazing truth Candi brought out was in the very first chapter. She reminded me of Jesus' prayer for the disciples in John 17. Verse 24 tells us that Jesus prayed to His Father to bring all those who are given to Him back to where He is. I prayed for the opposite, but Jesus' prayer was answered when my beloved mother was taken home to be with Him. I must rejoice in this.

I am.

Today....

....I am dwelling on this Truth Word.

Romans 8:28

"And we know that ALL things work together for good to those you love God and are called according to His purpose."

So many times I question this word, ALL.

But, God, it seems so bad right now.

How can anything good come from this?

What do you mean by good, Lord? You and I have a very different definition...

How can death be good?

My oldest lamb is so far away...how can this be good?



Friends, He really means ALL. And He really means GOOD.

The Linden Tree

The Puebla Ponderosa enjoys reading immensely. I usually read an out-loud read during lunch time. I randomly picked the most current book off of my library shelf. I noticed it was labeled "historical fiction". Looked good. Sounded interesting. I think the Lord had other plans in using this book.

The Linden Tree takes place in Iowa in 1948. Katy Sue's mother has died from meningitis. She is buried underneath a linden tree on the family's 80 acre farm. This story is the journey that takes place afterwards as she works through this hole in her heart. I had no idea how this gentle story would be used in our lives.

As I read through the first chapter, my heart felt like it was in my throat. At once I could not see the words. Everything was a blur and the water poured forth from my eyes. I closed the book intending to explain to my children that we couldn't read this right now. But, there was a soft and gentle prodding in my soul that led me to believe otherwise.

We were able to finish the first chapter. I looked up at my precious lambs and said, "This book will be good for us. Mommy needs to still work through her grief, and you need to know it is o.k. to cry."

My littlest boy has a hard time talking through things and has not cried over the death of his ,Gran.

I thought, "hearing Katy Sue work through her grief will probably we helpful to 'Little Joe'".

And helpful to me. You see, she is a lot like me. She stays busy and tries not to think about the pain of losing her mom. For when she lets the thoughts that are pursuing her catch up, she loses her breath. This is where I find myself too often.

But I know this thing of grief is a process.

I have been able to cry, laugh and thankfully keep reading The Linden Tree.

I have a friend that she does not have, though. His name is Jesus, the ultimate healer.

It Has Been 2 Months...

But, is she really gone? There are times I think this is all a dream...

I see her smiling face looking at me from the gold frame as my head lays down on the soft pillow. As I bring the blanket up around me, I remember...

~ Her eyes. Mom always had a twinkle in her eye. At her memorial, that was one of the things spoken of from the time she met dad to the very end of her life.

~ Her laugh. As she aged it diminished some, but my memory of her and her friend, Anne Habeth, laughing together, will always be in my mind.

~ Her love. Her hugs were full of love. She gave of herself freely. Raising 4 children and loving those who were not her own was her feat. Teenage fostering was a tough job. She and dad did it well.

I, now, force myself to stop thinking with my feelings and think with Truth.

Mom is gone from this life, but not gone. I Corinthians 15: 50-58 reminds me where my hope lies. "I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

"Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

I would love to hear Mom's voice again, to feel her arms around me, to be encouraged by her words, but this can't happen. I miss her immensely. The pain is so deep at times, I find myself in darkness, just walking by faith, not seeing what's ahead. BUT, this is where my Jesus wants me. Faith in Him knowing He holds all things together. And holds Mom with Him waiting for the day we are reunited.

Mom's Surprise Meeting

Since mom's passing, there has been much time spent going through photos and in turn, many memories. This memory has again become vivid.

Five years ago, on March 17 to be exact, a little 10 month old came into our lives. We named him Elisha Daniel.

This was the same year, in February to be exact, that my parents and my sister and her family moved from "home" to Tennessee, which I know now they consider home.

This precious little boy had very special needs and we were so grateful to have the chance to raise him as our own and see what miracle God could do in his life, for we had already experienced God's amazing power in our precious daughter's life.

But, God had his own agenda. Due to the laws in Florida, because Elisha was over six months old, his birth mother had the option before three days was up, to ask for his return. We received that call at the 3 day mark. Up to this point in our lives, this was the hardest thing we had ever had to do. My beautiful husband did this alone, as I could not handle this seemingly inhumane act. And he did it with such grace, not leaving that meeting without sharing Jesus with his birth mother. His words were, "I know Someone who has done what you have done; giving up your son. He knows the hurt, but more than that, He gave up His son to die for you and me." These were words that I struggled to hear him say...for I was so hurt at what had just taken place.

Not thinking much more could go wrong, we received a telephone call from a detective the following week. "Elisha Daniel" had died....and there was an investigation.

We have never heard what transpired. But I know one thing. He has a home in heaven now.

Many thoughts transpired in my mind during that tremendous trial.
"If Elisha had grown up in that home, there might have never been a conversion and thus he would have most likely lived a very difficult life."
"I would then, never see him again."

But I know now, I will! What is even more amazing and comforting, is that Mom was never able to meet this precious boy. And as I have been talking with children and helping them deal with the loss of their Gran, I suddenly realized that she has met him, just not when and where I would have chosen. God deemed best that Heaven would be that perfect surprise meeting place.

Comfort alone has come from my Father in Heaven.

It Is Not Death to Die

This song was given to me on a cd by a precious friend. (The lyrics are below.) This has ministered to me immensely during the difficult days since Mom's passing from this life to the next.

It is not death to die,
To leave this weary road,
And midst the brotherhood on high
To be at home with God.

It is not death to close
The eye long dimmed by tears,
And wake, in glorious repose,
To spend eternal years.

It is not death to bear
The wrench that sets us free
From dungeon chain, to breath the air
Of boundless liberty.

It is not death to fling
Aside this sinful dust
And rise, on strong exulting wing
To live among the just.

Jesus, Thou Prince of Life,
Thy chosen cannot die:
Like Thee, they conquer in the strife
To reign with Thee on high.

For the child of God, death has been beat; there is no sting, no fear, no mystery and no loneliness. Praise Him for conquering all.

There is a time to live and a time to die....

These words are taken from the book of Ecclesiastes.

They speak volumes into my life right now. Since the home-going of mom, I have been focused on the second half of this verse.

But I do find myself living in spring and new life is all around us. The irony is that as mom went to her eternal home, her REAL life started. Although, her life ended here, the life she so looked forward to is just beginning.

There were so many beautiful flowers budding in Tennessee as I took care of mom.

When we arrived home from Tennessee we had a pleasant surprise from a mother wren. She made a nest in a plant near our front door. We have had the privilege of watching her flitter and fly to and from the nest as she laid 5 eggs in her little home. She is the perfect picture of motherhood...again bringing my mind back to my gentle mother.

Spring is definitely the season of new birth, not just the physical birth here on earth. This spring became the season of new birth for my precious mother. Because of her coming to a second birth here on earth, she is now experiencing the incomparible joy of new life.

This was spoken by a close friend of our family.

He wrote it the night before Mom went home to be with the Lord. My dad read it to her as I combed her hair which I did every few hours each day I was with her.

Her response was, "That is beautiful."

Thank you, Rick, for putting into words what each of our hearts felt.

Dream or Reality?

I arrived home on Tuesday evening from Tennessee and my emotions immediately hit me head on.

I felt as if the last 3 weeks have been a dream of some sort...like everything would be back to normal soon.

This is not to be. Mom is gone forever from this earth and I am sad. Every day I think of something I need to tell her and desperately want to call her, but she will not answer her phone.

Although I am melancholy, I still have hope eternal. This hope comes from knowing the Creator, my Sustainer. He has given eternal life to all who come to Him by faith. Mom is experiencing joy and peace everlasting.

I am sad. So sad, I cannot express it at times. But I know deep down inside that I will see Mom again.

She isn't dead; she is alive. She didn't die forever; she just moved from one home to the next.

And I know I will be with her again.

One thing mom's death has done for me: I fear death less and hope for heaven more.

May these thoughts remain forever.