Tumultuous. Heart-wrenching. Joyous.The journey of adoption is different for every family.
Our journey began 14 years ago this last January.
We have been graced with four beautiful children born from our hearts. We have endured three failed adoptions, one of which ended with death. We have gone through the trials of attachment issues, anxiety, anger, and fear as our beloved children try to figure out their lives.
The path we are encountering now, no one ever warned us of, nor did we ever hear anyone talk about. We just figured, "Get through the early issues of security, and they will do fine."
It is as if a mack truck has slammed into our lives laying us all out flat.
"Hoss" was the only "private" adoption. My other beauties came into the Ponderosa with special needs and hurtful beginnings. Out of them all, he should be doing the best. He was the easiest baby, toddler and little man to handle. He loved me with all his heart.
What has happened?
I must believe the love still exists; he is just hurting beyond words and rational thoughts.
He is wondering who he is. I can give him all the assurance he needs. But his ears are closed to me.
He is feeling immense rejection. If only, he could understand how MUCH she loved him.
He is angry. He is wondering why. It is hard to believe this is the same boy who asked us at three years old why he was different from us. When we explained in the best and easiest way for a three year old to understand, he was sad. I asked him why. He wished he had been born in my tummy. That love was so unwavering.
But, he is no longer that little boy. He is now a man in a boy's body.
All these thoughts may seemed jumbled to you and yet, it brings to my mind one important thing.
My Jesus has a child just like I do. I mirror my "Hoss" in so many ways as I relate to my adopted Daddy. I question His love. I rebel in my heart at times. I get angry with the "whys". I distrust Him too often.
What is His response? He keeps loving me. He shows me amazing grace. He restores the joy of my salvation as He forgives my rebellious heart.
I turn again to my Savior. Please lead me Shepherd and lead your little lamb in Missouri.
I will love you forever, "Hoss".
I am your forever Mommy.
6 comments:
I have been continually praying for Hoss each time God has brought him to my mind. I know your heart must be hurting and your family devasated. God will use this for good, somehow. Be encouraged. God hears out prayers and He is faithful.
This is so beautifully written. I hurt for you. May God give you great grace for your time of need.
I know that God holds Hoss in the palm of His hand. Praying that God will bring Hoss to know and understand the love of His heavenly father and his early parents.
My heart breaks and weeps with you...I totally get the whole adoption road...you guys are an amazing family and God has given you a road to travel like no other. He will always carry you and all of us who adopt. Even bio children of so many family stray...they walk away from everything they have been taught...all the love poured upon them.
God needs their hearts and he woo's them...but I guess until they want Jesus for themselves, there seems so little we can do...but prayer is everything....and know that I WILL be praying for your family and HOSS especially that God will get a hold of his heart and that he would allow God to heal him of all the hurts and rejection he feels.
On my knees with you,
Connie
Oh I will pray but if it makes you feel any better my natural son has anger and questions and lives a life totally different from the way he was raised. I know he loves me but I had to let him go to grow up and find out how the real world is. Sad to say we have dealt with this for 20 years. He is now 36 years old. I am just having faith that the Lord will honor our faith and bring him where he needs to be. I loved reading your story and I promise you are in my prayers.
What an eloquent post on such heart-wrenching pain! I cry for Hoss and your family. Big virtual hug coming your way!
My 3-year-old has so much anger and we got him at 8 months. I've given him to God and praying for transformation before his teen years. Praying that God will ease your feelings of guilt!
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