Chocolate Comes in All Colors

My oldest daughter, "Marie", asked me this week if "Hoss" is mad at her. I am so sad to think she even ponders this.

As I explained where his anger is aimed, our conversation meandered over to her own adoption. The questions came quickly.

"Did my birth mom love me?" "Could she really not take care of me?" "Do I have other brothers and sisters?" "Did she know Jesus?"

So, for the first time I told how her BM was trying to find peace in all the wrong things: alcohol, drugs, etc. She told me that scared her.

But then I was able to bring her around to how grateful I am that Jesus handpicked her for our own. How she wouldn't have heard about Jesus. Providentially, we are reading, Dori, A Girl Nobody Loved. I was able to remind her of this and how her life could have been so different. She pondered. She was trusting.

We talked about the different shades of color that our family represented. She wanted to know what colors each of the birth parents were for her family.

Together we came up with this list:

"Hoss" and "Marie": milk chocolate

"Little Joe": Dark Chocolate

"Inger": Dark Chocolate with nuts (gotta love it)

Daddy: Chocolate swirled with caramel

She looked me straight in the face and said, "You are white chocolate, Mommy."

And this I am proud to be.

Unanswered Questions????

You ask me, "Why?"

I don't have an answer that will fill your anxious heart.

You tell me, "I want to know. I want to know now."

I say, "You won't believe me."

I say, "You must trust me as your mom."

"Hoss" continues to hurt and be full of anger at the unknown, unanswered questions.

I continue to hurt and question whether the first 11 years of his life mattered.

Deep down inside I know the truth. The battle remains. Can't we fast-forward 4 years? Wouldn't that make things easier? I have questions, too, son.

But I turn to the One who holds all the answers to life. I trust.

My Sweet Sister

My Darling sister turns 40 today.

I so wish I could be up in Tennessee together. This year does not allow for it, sadly.

So, while I am sitting here in Florida, I am loving you from afar, Jen. You are such an inspiration to me. You are such a great mom to your three beautiful boys. And a wonderful wife to your hubby. I am thinking of you often and praying for your continued growth in our Lord Jesus.

I have such wonderful memories of life growing up with you. And just last week I was reading through some old cards and came across quite a few from you during my time of infertility. Your heart for Jesus jumped off the pages and continues to prove evident in your life. Thank you for loving me and being my sister.

Happy 40th!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Natural Hair Repair

A couple of months ago, I put twists in my daughter's hair. They were so easy to upkeep and maintain. But as I went to remove them yesterday, we had a loud screaming session.

I could not, I repeat, COULD NOT get the knots out.

For those of you blogging friends who have adopted children that are African American, I have stumbled across a natural remedy that is incredible.

1 Tbsp of Apple Cider Vinegar to 1 cup of water.

This is an amazing remedy for those tearful hair combing sessions.

Thanks to this blog along with this information I have found something easy to use.

So as we finished up my littlest hair today, I held her and we both cried. Cheezy. I know, but when you have to go through feeling like you are killing your child for hours...this is no exaggeration...this is such a gift.

I plan on using it myself.

The Peanut Man

I love history and I love reading about people in history.

George Washington Carver, written by John Perry is an easy yet very interesting read into the life of an African American during the late 1800's and early 1900's.

Carver was a orphan from birth raised by a loving white family. This was unheard of in those days, but the family was loyal to him.

From the time he was little, Carver had a love for God's creation and throughout his life, asked God to help him learn how to use the creation to glorify the Creator.

God answered this and George Washington Carver became an inventor by American standards, but he saw it as a special gift bestowed on him by his Creator.

The book also delves into the life of Brooker T. Washington as he hired Carver to be part of the Science department at Tuskegee Institute. There were definite personality differences between the two men, but they continued to work together for many years.

Carver has been used by the Creator to introduce us to many uses for the sweet potatoes, peanuts and many other things. Many items we use today we can attribute to this man. May we realize that they are "blessings" from our Creator, as he did.

I was given a copy of this book as part of the blogging network by Thomas Nelson.

Wings like Eagles

As I continue my journey in the study of the book of Exodus one phrase leaped out at me.

Chapter 19:3-6

Then Moses went up to God, and the LORD called to him from the mountain and said, “This is what you are to say to the descendants of Jacob and what you are to tell the people of Israel: ‘You yourselves have seen what I did to Egypt, and how I carried you on eagles’ wings and brought you to myself. Now if you obey me fully and keep my covenant, then out of all nations you will be my treasured possession. Although the whole earth is mine, you will be for me a kingdom of priests and a holy nation.’ These are the words you are to speak to the Israelites.”

God, the Creator and Sustainer of life, carries His children on eagles' wings!

The way our Lord has made eagles' wings is an amazing picture of aerodynamics. Because of the size and structure of its wings, the ability to soar is remarkable.

This is Effortless flight.

And this is what our Great God promises us in Isaiah 40:31.

Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

I cannot fly with out Him giving me strength. I cannot mount up with wings without Him giving me the ability. I will run and get tired and I will walk and become weary when I do it on my own. He must grant me these wings. He will see me through the turbulence of the storms and clouds of life. I can soar with ease when He is near.

So, Lord, I draw near. I ask you for these wings. I ask you for this strength.

Noises at the Ponderosa

No one wants to admit it.

There is a common theme that runs through every home.

Many people call it by different names: toot, pass gas, cut the cheese and even the "f--t" word.

But it is a sad commentary that it brings the most laughter.

That as I am putting my little princesses to bed, (no brother attending this time), I hear the deep giggling that makes me laugh. I wonder what has brought it on.

Need I ask.

"Fuzzy", the wolf cub, just let one.

P.S. I apologize to those of you who don't see this as humorous....

A Special Note

I woke to a special note left for me on my bedside.

"Inger" has such thoughtfulness and now that she is trying to spell and write I am looking forward to many more.

(For those of you that need a translation, it says, "Mom and Dad." We'll be working on our reversals this year. It's the thought that counts.)

(This is the same encourager who woke me up by rubbing my cheeks and saying, "That's not flubber, Mommy. Just loose skin. Like seals." Then she proceeded to imitate their mating call.)

I love my sweet pea.

Grace...It is the Heart of the Gospel...and Parenting

I am reminded by Elyse Fitzpatrick, in her book, Give Them Grace, "Salvation is of the Lord."

I believe this with all my heart, and yet, so many times in parenting I act contrary.

She says in regard to parenting, "We are always to do our best, striving to be obedient and to love, nurture, and discipline them. But, we are to do it with the faith in the Lord's ability to transform hearts, not in our ability to be consistent or faithful. Seeking to be faithfully obedient parents is our responsibility; granting faith to our children is His. Freedom to love and enjoy our children flows out of the knowledge that God saves them in spite of our best efforts, not because of them. Salvation is of the Lord."

So I ask myself, "Do I see myself as an instrument of the Lord, or am I so many times more worried about my kids being 'good'?"

And Elyse makes me ask myself this: "How can we know whether we're trying to obligate God or serve Him in gratitude? One way to judge is to consider your reaction when your children fail. If you are angry, frustrated, or despairing because you work so hard and they aren't responding, then you're working (at least in part) for the wrong reasons. Conversely, if you're proud when your children obey and you get those desired kudos- Oh! your kids are so good!- you should suspect your motives. Both pride and despair grow in the self-reliant heart."

Just today, we were out shopping, and I heard it: "You have the best shoppers in the whole store." My thoughts went immediately to: "This is an opportunity to speak about the Lord." But , alas, I didn't. After my head shrunk down to its original size, the Lord spoke to my heart.

"None of you...all of me." If I am not the reason your children are obeying, then who cares. Goodness will get them no where."

Grace. I want my precious treasures to know this.

Another Letter...

We received a special letter in the mail this week from "Hoss". But not for us.

Agape allowed him to write to our dear friend who lost her husband a couple of weeks ago.

This is a good exercise in self-denial and fighting the fight of self-pity. I am thankful to see his eyes on someone else who is hurting. This is very difficult for him at this time in his life. For his hurt runs deep.

But God is deeper still. He is the Healer and Redeemer.

Our prayers are that the blinders will be removed by the Holy Spirit and "Hoss" will return to what he has been taught and being part of the Ponderosa again...if not physically, at least emotionally.

God, you know the pain...in all of our hearts. Revive us.

A Tire and Sin

My children and I are a little more home bound than usual as our beautiful 12 year old mean green machine has a tire that is separating.

We made our way today, just a couple of miles away to the library, but as I was driving and my head slightly bobbing back and forth with the rotation of each tire, I had a thought.

Sin is so much like that splitting tire. It seems to not be much of an issue until it separates and lands you on the side of the road. At first all you have is a little uneven driving. Nothing big. Just a little extra bouncing and vibration. Even questioning the smoothness of the road can play into your decisions. You might even become used to it and not realize the potential of a blowout.

At least until it blows. And when it blows, it not only affects you and your vehicle, but it can potentially effect many cars around you and even cause some serious accidents.

So it is with sin. At first you notice that first nip in your conscience, but after ignoring it for a while you don't even recognize the "bounce". Until it blows. And your life is plastered all over the road. Even hurting other people in the process.

James 1:13-15 reminds us:

Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.

Don't let your tires blowout, friends. Deal with the little things knowing they only lead to death if they are ignored.

(The green machine will hopefully have new tires this week.)

More Lessons from Pharaoh and his Cronies...and God Almighty

The Israelites have left Egypt and as they started their journey into the wilderness, God showered them with traveling mercies.

Ex.13:17-18 When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, "Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt." But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.

Already, God acknowledges the fear in man and how quickly we forget how to trust.

The Hebrew children probably thought they would never have to deal with Pharaoh again, but God had other plans...for His glory.

Ex. 14:4 And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will pursue them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host, and the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD."

Ex. 14:8 And the LORD hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, and he pursued the people of Israel while the people of Israel were going out defiantly.

The children of Israel revert back to their pre-wilderness life and begin to fear.

As I came in my studies to verse 13 and 14, I bow low and acknowledge my El Shaddai as well. He brings the turbulent times purposefully, to bring Himself glory.

Ex. 14:13-18 And Moses said to the people,"Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."

The LORD said to Moses, "Why do you cry to me? Tell the people of Israel to go forward. Lift up your staff, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it, that the people of Israel may go through the sea on dry ground. And I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they shall go in after them, and I will get glory over Pharaoh and all his host, his chariots, and his horsemen. And the Egyptians shall know that I am the LORD, when I have gotten glory over Pharaoh, his chariots, and his horsemen."

When I look around me to my circumstances and start getting fearful, anxious and worrisome, must remind myself of God's goodness, for this never changes. He has a plan that is so much bigger than my own.

So again, I must trust.

....So That You May Know

I've started reading the book of Exodus a few days ago, and have just finished the portion about the plagues. Amazing. Every time I read it.

The one theme that has been recorded over and over again is God hardening Pharaoh's heart and then the statement, "...so that you may know that I am the Lord your God."

God wants the glory in all avenues of our lives. He brings the rain. He brings the drought. All for us to magnify Him and proclaim to the world that He is the Sovereign God of the Universe.

And to remind ourselves.

For when we are in a valley or trudging down a path that does not seem to have an end, we must remember He is with us and He wants us to remember this. And never forget. He will not leave His children. He abides with us.

He is the Lord.

Done, Done, Done!

It has been a long month of moving within the same house. We have been laying laminate flooring in two of our rooms. So thankful for our friend, Kendall Yates who laid the first room with "Mr. Cartwright." My hubby, "Little Joe", and I laid the second room. Lots of fun, bruises, sweat, and thankfully, no tears.

Bringin' It Down

"Hoss" was involved in the July Fourth rodeo at Agape Boarding School. My strong boy did amazing. Bringin' that steer down in 1.5 seconds. That steer didn't have a chance with my big boy wrestling him down to the ground.

(Scroll down to 2 min. 23 sec. to see him.)

Revive Us, O Lord!

Today, I stood in front of our church to sing as part of a ladies' ensemble. I had been asked a month or so ago to worship along side my sisters at our church. Two weeks ago I was given the song.

It was the same song my sister, dad and I sang as we circled mom's bed after she had gone to be with the Lord. The tears streamed down that day. I looked over my sister's shoulder to the tent that my mom had housed for 63 years. Many years of service to the Lord. Many years of loving a family through the thick and thin of life. Many years of laughter and fun.

So, as I sang today, I thought back to the beauty of a life in Christ. I was happy remembering. I thought it would be difficult. But what came to my mind was thankfulness.

For growth in Christ. For peace. For the many memories. For my Refuge and Strength that sustains in time and trial.

And as I sang about the revival that only the Lord can bring to a child of God, my heart was full of gratitude to my Lord.

We praise Thee, O God!

For the Son of Thy love,

For Jesus Who died,

And is now gone above.

Refrain:

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

Hallelujah! Amen.

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.

Revive us again.

We praise Thee, O God!

For Thy Spirit of light,

Who hath shown us our Savior,

And scattered our night.

All glory and praise

To the Lamb that was slain,

Who hath borne all our sins,

And hath cleansed every stain.

All glory and praise

To the God of all grace,

Who hast brought us, and sought us,

And guided our ways.

Revive us again;

Fill each heart with Thy love;

May each soul be rekindled

With fire from above.

From Life to Life

We received a letter from our oldest today. Less anger, more hurt. This is easier to take. He asks the question, "Why am I sitting here and people all around me dying?"

Our dear friend, Tim Borland, went home to be with Christ this last week. Tim was one of God's gifts to this world. His passion for the Gospel exuded from his soul.

So, I answer my dear son.

"I don't know. Yet, I do know.

Sin. We live in a fallen world full of sin, self, disease and death. Sin, the most deadly disease of all. The bad news. There can't be good news without the bad.

Aside from God's Word, there is fear of all of these. What I am confident in, is this. Christ died and was buried and rose again 3 days later. He conquered sin and death. He is the good news. Death is a sure thing. Eternity is as well. The question is where will you spend it?

It seems so unfair at times. But, what is the most unfair thing, is Christ dying in our place to redeem us from our sin and the grave.

So, yes, it hurts to lose those we love. But, we have hope. Turn your heart and mind to Christ. He is the answer.

I love you and miss you. I hurt with you."