Butterflies

My little bug lover is in seventh heaven.

We have been eagerly watching our caterpillars. The babies arrived two weeks ago. They ate and ate until they were fat little things. One week ago they formed their chrysalises and started their metamorphosis.

Today the first one came out.

She is beautiful.

We were actually able to see her wings wet and pretty plain and ugly. As her wings opened and she moved we could see the color begin to fill her spots.

She is an amazing creation. But not as amazing as my little butterfly.

The Story of Commander Deeds (Part II)

"Though he knew his life in danger, Todd refused to leave. 'I beg you to believe on the Lord Jesus', he said. The commander was furious. He went upstairs and came down with his pistol. 'Go, or I will shoot you now,' he threatened. Todd answered, 'I have come to ask you to believe in the Lord Jesus. If you want to shoot me, go ahead. But before you do, let me pray for you.' He knelt before the commander and prayed, 'O God, here is a man who does not know You. Please save him!' He stayed on his knees while the commander towered over him with the gun. 'Have mercy on him, Lord!' he cried out. 'Have mercy on the commander!'"

"Young Todd prayed like this for several minutes before he heard a sigh, then the sound of the pistol being laid aside. Soon the commander knelt down beside him and, after a moment of weeping, prayed, 'O God, have mercy on Commander Deeds.'"

"The commander was saved at that instant, and after praying some more, he rose and took the hand of his young friend, saying, 'I have heard the Gospel all my life, but today I have seen the Gospel for the first time.' On the following Lord's Day, Commander Deeds went to the church to worship. And before he died, he led several dozen people to the Lord."

As Watchman Nee finished this story, he spoke these words.

"Beloved, there are two big days in the life of the believer: the day on which he believes in the Lord - and every day after that when he leads someone to faith in Christ. This is my challenge to you. Witness to at least one person a day. Witness to whomever you meet."

-excerpt taken from Watchman Nee by Bob Laurent, pg 103

This is a challenge to me and you. Let our lights shine, sisters...brightly and loudly...with words and actions.

The Story of Commander Deeds (Part I)

I was mesmerized by this true story that Watchman Nee told his fellow believers in China.

"A young man named Todd was led to Christ by a wise couple from a church in his neighborhood. He had been a rebellious youth, but on the day that he was saved, he asked the couple what he should do to show his obedience to the Lord. Over tea in their home, they told him that the Gospel would never make inroads in their town until a certain battalion commander was converted."

"Young Todd asked who this Commander Deeds was. They said that he was a retired military man over sixty years of age who thought all Christians were hypocrites and who cursed and beat any Christian who dared to preach the gospel to him or even to pass by his house. He kept a pistol at home and threatened to open fire on anyone who preached to him. Having heard this, Todd immediately prayed, 'O Lord. You have shown grace to me. This is the first day of my salvation. I will go and witness to him.' Before tea was finished, and less than two hours after his own salvation, he was on his way to the commander's house."

"Fearing for his life, the couple begged him not to go. The commander's anger grew fiercer by the day, they told him, but Todd would not change his mind. He arrived at the house and knocked on the door. The Commander answered with a rod in his hand and snarled, 'What do you want, boy?' Todd asked if he could come in and for some reason the hostile man allowed him entrance."

"The boy wasted no words. 'I pray that you will accept the Lord Jesus as your Savior!' he blurted out. The commander raised his rod in the air to intimidate the youth, then shouted, 'I suppose you're new around here, so this time I will pardon you; no one talks to me about Jesus, but this time I will not beat you. Now consider yourself fortunate and get out of here quickly!'"

-excerpt from Watchman Nee by Bob Laurent, pg 102

(Part II tomorrow)

Watchman Nee

As I am reading through a biography of Watchman Nee, I am struck by so many things.

We, who live in the west, are so shallow in our commitment to Christ. Watchman was always examining his own life with the Word of God. He wasn't afraid to stand against the current of people, especially those other professing believers who seemed to tout religiosity. He ended up leaving two main line denominations he was part of because of religious do's and don'ts that didn't line up with God's Word.

He made some stark comments about the believer's life in general.

This hit me to the core:

"It is absolutely impossible for a person to have light and not shine. As there is no tooth that does not chew, no fountain that does not flow, so there is no life that does not beget life. Whoever has no interest in helping people to repent and believe in the Lord may himself need to repent and believe in the Lord."- taken from Watchman Nee by Bob Laurent, pg. 100

This is one area in my life that I struggle with. I go through times of deep desire to evangelize and other times quite content in keeping to my little life, here on the Ponderosa.

This is a command. I must be proactive, seeking out relationships to develop. Just simply asking how you can pray for someone, who you know is hurting, is an easy way to bring the topic up.

I pray zeal and fire consume me in this area. I must obey.

Happy Resurrection Day!

This day is the that the Followers of Christ live for.

This is the reason we live.

Christ died for our sins and that is mercy. But without the Resurrection, all would have been worthless.

We serve a living God.

It's not about Easter bunnies, candy, baskets, cute little duckies, or even family.

It is about Him; our Risen God.

John 11:25-26
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die.

Philippians 3:10-12
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

A Conversation Not to Forget

A couple of days ago, my darling daughters and I were on our way home from the eye doctor, who happens to be one and a half hours away. So there is plenty of time for conversation.

After a few minutes of quiet, Marie asked me a question.

"Mommy, what were Gran's parents' names?"

"John and Barbara Kovachik", was my reply. I was not ready for the path we were headed down, but thankful for a sweet daughter's heart.

"Did they know Jesus, Mommy?"

I suck in breath. "I don't think they did, Sweetie."

"That means they are in hell?"

I don't want to go there. "Yes. They are if they didn't embrace Christ as Lord of their lives."

"That's awful!"

At this point I am telling myself, "Opportunity!"

"Marie, that is why it is so important to share Christ with those around us. Even your 2 friends in the neighborhood that don't know Jesus, need to hear. We may move one day and never see them again. We need to use every opportunity to share our light."

"Or, they could get in a car accident and die, right Mommy?"

My thoughts turn inward. How often do my children see me sharing my light with those around me? Have they ever heard me give the Gospel to others?

I am so thankful for the heart of my little girl.

I knew all along that my precocious 5 year old was listening.

1 Year Without Her

Today is the day I have dreaded all year...one year since Mom went home to be with Jesus. As I was thinking over the last year during the last couple of weeks, I came across a card she had sent me 2 years ago during the first episode with my oldest. I could faintly hear her voice as I read the written words. She encourages me still though she is far away.

I feel the space betweeen us so often. How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to feel?

I hear a resounding yes from my Shepherd. The One Who holds her in His care. The One who knows the emptiness in my heart and the hearts of my family members.

The feelings are all encompassing and not at all. All at the same time.

I remember....

*her beautiful eyes that shined forth Christ's love

*her infectious laugh that brought joy at so many times

*so many "I need Mommy" moments that she was there at my beck and call

*her shoulder was so soft at the times of tears

*she gave so freely of herself

*her love for God's Word

*the many days when her responsibilities were all emcompassing: 5 day backyard clubs, parenting foster teenagers as well as her own 4, and making meals for many out of nothing (just to name a few)

*her LONG and LENGTHY Christmas letters that filled everyone in on the DAILY happenings of life in the Stebbins' household

*her love for her grandchildren was secure and full

*her voice, her laugh, her prayers

But , I know I will see her again. I know through Christ she has conquered death. She is not gone. She is not dead. She is alive and well.

I miss her and forever will.

Still

Still. Rest. Peace.

Even in the midst of the storm.

He is my trust and refuge.

He Hears

"Our tears are liquid prayers."- Charles Spurgeon

My God knows my thoughts before I think them.

So when the words won't come and the tears do, He hears.

The Journey of Adoption

Tumultuous. Heart-wrenching. Joyous.

The journey of adoption is different for every family.

Our journey began 14 years ago this last January.

We have been graced with four beautiful children born from our hearts. We have endured three failed adoptions, one of which ended with death. We have gone through the trials of attachment issues, anxiety, anger, and fear as our beloved children try to figure out their lives.

The path we are encountering now, no one ever warned us of, nor did we ever hear anyone talk about. We just figured, "Get through the early issues of security, and they will do fine."

It is as if a mack truck has slammed into our lives laying us all out flat.

"Hoss" was the only "private" adoption. My other beauties came into the Ponderosa with special needs and hurtful beginnings. Out of them all, he should be doing the best. He was the easiest baby, toddler and little man to handle. He loved me with all his heart.

What has happened?

I must believe the love still exists; he is just hurting beyond words and rational thoughts.

He is wondering who he is. I can give him all the assurance he needs. But his ears are closed to me.

He is feeling immense rejection. If only, he could understand how MUCH she loved him.

He is angry. He is wondering why. It is hard to believe this is the same boy who asked us at three years old why he was different from us. When we explained in the best and easiest way for a three year old to understand, he was sad. I asked him why. He wished he had been born in my tummy. That love was so unwavering.

But, he is no longer that little boy. He is now a man in a boy's body.

All these thoughts may seemed jumbled to you and yet, it brings to my mind one important thing.

My Jesus has a child just like I do. I mirror my "Hoss" in so many ways as I relate to my adopted Daddy. I question His love. I rebel in my heart at times. I get angry with the "whys". I distrust Him too often.

What is His response? He keeps loving me. He shows me amazing grace. He restores the joy of my salvation as He forgives my rebellious heart.

I turn again to my Savior. Please lead me Shepherd and lead your little lamb in Missouri.

I will love you forever, "Hoss".
I am your forever Mommy.

Glorious

Chris Tomlin and Christy Nockels do an amazing job in leading the body of Christ in worship. This is the greatest picture of a famous "artist" putting the emphasis on Christ and not himself.

What If???

we no longer had the written Word of God at our disposal?

we were banned from loudly proclaiming the Good News?

there was no possibility to hear preaching that encouraged?

As my sister and I were reciting our weekly Bible memory work to each other today, these questions surfaced. We have finished the first 3 chapters of James, and as we reviewed the second chapter today, which is a tongue twister....lots of faiths and works....she reminded me that the reason we do this is to get the Word in our mind, not to get all the wording just so.

For if we did have all our freedoms stripped, we would still have the "Word implanted, which is able to save our souls."

Bible Memory can seem tedious at times, but is so important to renewing our mind.

What are you memorizing? If not anything, I encourage you to do so.

Book Review

As a mother of teen boys, I am always looking for good, wholesome, adventurous reading material. And as an avid reader myself, I enjoy a good book too.

But I must say, I am disappointed in the recent emphasis in books for teens in our culture. As part of a couple of book review blog networks I thought I'd engage in my first teen book review.

G.P. Taylor has written The Dopple Ganger Chronicles. "The First Escape" entices you to continue the journey after the first page. There were more negatives than positives for me in this book.

The visual distinctives of this book are amazing. The author combines color, font, and writing styles to produce a book that will keep any child or teen interested. He incorporates normal narrative with comics. The layout is incredible.

But this does not diminish the darkness of this book. It reminded me a little of a twisted version of the classic, "Oliver". Saskia and Sadie are twins who live in a disgusting and dilapitated orphanage. The people who run it are evil and are doing everything possible to make the lives of the children miserable. Though there is good and evil fighting against each other, the overwhelming feeling as I read it was evil.

This is not a book I would feel comfortable with my children reading.

My Dear Friends

Thank you, my dear blog friends, for your prayers for our family. All is well. We are learning to live with "Hoss'" absence. There is peace, which I know my Master has provided.

We continue to pray for God's presence in the life of our oldest.

In His presence is fullness of joy.

In Route....

"Mr. Cartwright" and "Hoss" are in route to "Hoss'" new home for a while. Agape Boarding School will be his refuge and shelter. And I find mine in my Savior. I have walked this lonely road just under 2 years ago. I have shed many tears. But my Jesus remains faithful. And I must too. To all around me. My other children, but especially my dear husband and has carried the load of the last week all alone. Please continue to pray for our family. God is faithful!

Prayer Needed

Last night my three youngest children and I have temporarily moved in to my brother's home. Please pray for "Hoss". He continues to hurt, yet lashing out physically in anger and rage now. We must have direction and he will again have to leave the house. He came home in December after being at Agape Boarding School for 16 months. We took a step of faith thinking he might be ready to again tackle his struggles under the care of his family. He is not. Please pray that the rest of the Ponderosa would not fear. Please pray as "Mr. Cartwright" and I are separated; that the Lord's Army of Angels would surround the house and protect. Please pray most of all for Hoss' heart. He needs a transplant, spiritually speaking. I love him so much, yet know I cannot do what the Lord must do. Lamentations 3:22-26 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him." The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.