The Linden Tree

The Puebla Ponderosa enjoys reading immensely. I usually read an out-loud read during lunch time. I randomly picked the most current book off of my library shelf. I noticed it was labeled "historical fiction". Looked good. Sounded interesting. I think the Lord had other plans in using this book.

The Linden Tree takes place in Iowa in 1948. Katy Sue's mother has died from meningitis. She is buried underneath a linden tree on the family's 80 acre farm. This story is the journey that takes place afterwards as she works through this hole in her heart. I had no idea how this gentle story would be used in our lives.

As I read through the first chapter, my heart felt like it was in my throat. At once I could not see the words. Everything was a blur and the water poured forth from my eyes. I closed the book intending to explain to my children that we couldn't read this right now. But, there was a soft and gentle prodding in my soul that led me to believe otherwise.

We were able to finish the first chapter. I looked up at my precious lambs and said, "This book will be good for us. Mommy needs to still work through her grief, and you need to know it is o.k. to cry."

My littlest boy has a hard time talking through things and has not cried over the death of his ,Gran.

I thought, "hearing Katy Sue work through her grief will probably we helpful to 'Little Joe'".

And helpful to me. You see, she is a lot like me. She stays busy and tries not to think about the pain of losing her mom. For when she lets the thoughts that are pursuing her catch up, she loses her breath. This is where I find myself too often.

But I know this thing of grief is a process.

I have been able to cry, laugh and thankfully keep reading The Linden Tree.

I have a friend that she does not have, though. His name is Jesus, the ultimate healer.

Happy Birthday, Sis!

Holly Hobby, lavendar walls, purple colored shag carpet, matching baby dolls (always red and blue), homemade matching knit dresses from Gran, singing lessons together.

These are all part of my childhood memories. Memories I shared with my oldest sister. Who is also my friend.

Sisterhood is an amazing relationship. And one that nothing could have prepared me for in adulthood. I am blessed beyond words for my older sister, Jenny.

Sisters that share the bond of Christ have an added dimension of love. There are no two sisters that are more different than she and I, and yet, find such consolation in our bond.

There was a time when "Mr. Cartwright" and I were trying to start our family, which seemed an impossible feat, that this sister of mine wrote to me and shared with me what God has encouraged her with. She reminded me of God's promises and promised to fast one day a month for the will of God to be done. I read back on this love notes from her and can now see God's great promises worked out in my life. I have four blessed arrows that were given to me from God in ways that I would never have guessed.

I was able to be in the delivery room with one of her blessed babies as she lavished her love on him. It was such a awesome privilege to be part of this private time and see what God's amazing love can do through two people. That is something I will never forget.

And more recently, we had the honor of spending the last 2 weeks of Mom's life with her together; giving her showers, rubbing her feet, combing her hair, crying on each other's shoulder, as well, as journaling together. This latest event has brought us closer than ever. We know each other's vulnerability. We were at the lowest one can be together. When mom's breath left her, we were there grabbing each other's hands and singing,

Hallelujah! Thine the glory.
Hallelujah! Amen.
Hallelujah! Thine the glory.
Revive us again.

Jenny, I love you more than you know. I am so grateful you are my sister and friend. You have grown so much as a mom and wife and are an example to me in so many ways. My prayer for you this year is one of trust in God' enduring promises. He will continue to guide you as you seek Him daily.

I am immensely privileged to have you in my life. To call you Friend.

I love you.

Happy Birthday!

A Special Gift

Wonderful friends of my sister gave her this plaque as a gift to help us heal from Mom's homegoing. They also gave her money to buy a memory tree to put the plaque under.

Good friends know exactly what we need.

Thank God for friends who love the Lord.

Thank you, Jenny's friends.

Breakfast Table Chat

This morning around the breakfast table we were discussing how God delights when we show kindness to others. One child asked if God smiles and that brought on more conversation about what God looks like.

Now, we adults, know God is a spirit, but that is an awefully hard concept for children.

Curiosity got the better of me and I asked my littlest one, "What do you think God looks like?"

"He is brown like me and has a great big smile. He has brown hair and a brown beard. He has brown eyes, too."

Precious words from my little brown bear who sees through her big brown eyes.

And I know He does delight in kindness.

Jeremiah 9:23,24

This is what the LORD says:
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,

but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,"
declares the LORD.

Listen....

Wimpy theology makes for wimpy women.

~ John Piper, 2008 True Woman Conference

Grief

I don't want to go there. IF I allow myself to do this, I feel like I might drown. So I stay busy, doing, doing, doing.

But then I opened my inbox and found this. I know I must, to heal. I must enter this valley. God will help me to breath and not die. He will give me the grace for the sorrow. He will bring the peace.

This I know.

Today...

I am thankful for

~ lovingkindness showered on me by my Savior

~ the arm of my knight in shining armor holding me tight

~ truth and kindness spoken from a friend...this is not always easy to hear but necessary

~ This link to test my heart and motives as a woman who desires to be wise

~ my Father, both earthly and heavenly

~ the gift of children...most of us don't realize the dimension of this gift. So many times it starts out as a "self-focused" gift, and ends up changing us more into the image of our dear Lord

~ computers printers that can scan and copy

~ Luke 9:24-25

~ forgiveness; full and free

Am I Listening?

Yes, I am listening. There are sounds all around me.

Water running, the clatter of dishes that prove there are busy little hands working diligently.

A little person "reading" a story to herself, using inflection that I have heard somewhere before.

The cough of my "Little Joe" as he slumbers on the couch in a fever induced sleep.

Beautiful tinkling of the wind chime that beckons the rain.

Again, I ask,"Am I listening?"

Listening to the right things; in tune to the Lord and His Spirit that resides within? There will always be busyness of sounds around me, but do I take the time to ponder what my Master wants me to hear?

When I "need" Him, He is there listening and hearing me call on Him.

Lord, help me to hear you, not with my physical ears, but with ears of my heart; my heart that so easily strays from you; my heart that tunes in to things that are idle interests and not life changing.

John 10:27-28 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

The Cure

Grumpy. Complaining. Discontent. Aggravation. Nonsatisfaction. Emptiness. Lack of Joy.

We have all felt these emotions as one time or another.

Are we justified as children of God to give in to these?

The cure for the wounded spirit is thankfulness.

You say, "Thanksgiving in the midst of MY trial is impossible!"

I say, "No, It is not!"

The death of my beloved mom has gripped my soul in a way I have never felt before. BUT, I can say, "It is well with my soul, because I have my Savior."

"Hoss" is far from me right now, BUT I can tell my God, "I trust you, for you know what is best for me and my precious son."

Joy. Contentment. Peace. Providential Provision. Thankfulness. Satisfaction. Calmness. Composure. Harmony.

I trust you, Lord.

Hopes, Dreams and Lots of Plans

Today I am spending the majority of my day planning the upcoming school year. Schedules, books, ideas all invade my mind. But I have started this teacher's planning day on my knees. For I know nothing I do will be good enough. I want and need wisdom from above.

Books surround me; my pencil is busy writing in details for each week.

My prayer is that the details would not crowd out my longing to shepherd each of my children's hearts.

"Little Joe" is turning the corner into 7th grade.
"Marie" struggles daily in school, but is making strides.
"Inger" enters kindergarten this year and has all the joys that comes with that.

One column is empty. As empty as that place in my heart. "Hoss", I can only teach from afar through letters and encouragement.

"Mr. Cartwright" offered to take the children here today.

The Classical music is playing filling my ears with energy to focus on the task before me....

I am reading Karen Andreola's book, A Charlotte Mason Companion. This book will also help guide me to use each and every opportunity we have this year in life to learn.

And I am praying and meditating on what the Lord would have for me to do.

Grace for Each Moment

As "Hoss" nears his first year anniversary of being away from our home, (but not our hearts), we know this means he is closer to coming home. And with that fact, comes the thoughts of the unknown future.

Last summer so much happened to break down our trust and relationship with him. The Lord has healed so much hurt and restored so much of the relationship between parents and son, but there is still so many questions we don't have answers for. Things we must trust the Lord for. Things we can only guess.

Thankfully, our God knows all the details for our lives. He knows how much grace we will need for the future events. He is our sustaining power that is perfected in our weaknesses.

Fishers of Men

It was a beautiful day out. As the Ponderosa headed out to fish, my heart's prayer was that my little people would see their Mama fishing for men, too.

We spent a couple hours at the pond hoping there would be some bites. No fish seemed to need our food we were supplying. Do those out in the "big pond" know that we have the Bread of Life? Do they realize we have the answer to their hunger and thirst? Do we tell them? This can help you as you attempt to help them see that they even have a need.

Finally, we had a couple of nibbles; just a couple of beautiful baby bluegills. My little women caught them. O, Master, give my daughters hearts of truth. Give them courage to stand strong in a world of hate and lawlessness. Give them love for the lawless.

Their hands are small, but can learn so much. Timing is the key to fishing. They must learn how to watch the bobber, and gently, pull the line in. Father God, give my children discernment to know truth from lies. Keep their eyes focused on you and not the world around them.

Giver of life, help us to be in the world and not of it. May we not be so separated that we fear coming nose to nose with unbelievers. Help us to love those of the world, by having compassion on their souls, not condemning them for their way of life. For we were once with out You, and you showed us much mercy.

The leader of the Ponderosa has always loved fishing, both for fish and men. He has been such an amazing example to this family as he has such compassion for the needs of the lost, and doesn't hesitate to share the truth of God's Word with others.

God Almighty, grant my husband the courage to lead this little flock.

Love Gift

While I was up in Tennessee taking care of mom, I was able to finish up this love gift for the special people that are taking care of my biggest little lamb for a while. I would use each moment I stitched to pray for the staff and my "Hoss". God is answering these prayers.

The Ponderosa Artist

"Inger" is quite the four year old artist. I may be slightly bias...but you must admit, these pictures are quite the rendition of "Little Joe", "Marie", and "Inger".

Pet For the Hour

"Inger" loves animals. Her daddy knows that and brought home a wild bird that he found at work. It appeared to have a hurt wing. We attempted to nurse it, but, as you can see in the photos, "Cochise" didn't like it too well.

Below, he proves he may be part Pointer/Retriever!

Here is the precious little bird. We ended up having to let him go free. "Cochise" would not let the subject drop. My precious little "Inger" had herself a good cry.

Anyone know what kind of bird this is????

Do My Tears Matter...

...to my Heavenly Father?

Lately, all I can do is cry when I commune with my Master. I feel at a loss for words and full of tears. There have been many things torn from me in the past year, and I am coming to understand that my Jesus wants me to come to Him and be dependant on Him and nothing else.

So, I am reminded that

~ My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

~ The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145: 18-19)

~ The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run into it and are safe. (Proverbs 18:10)

~ Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation. (Isaiah 12:2)

~ Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. (Matthew 11: 28-31)

~ He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. (Revelations 21:4)

~ You have kept count of my tossings;put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book? Psalm 56:8

~ Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

My Lord does care; He sees each tear that falls; He knows my thoughts, even before I think them; He knows my words without saying them.

I know He will restore my joy.....in time.

4th of July ~ Missouri Style

"Mr. Cartwright" and "Little Joe" surprised "Hoss" this weekend.

And, boy, was he surprised. Agape Boys' Ranch had a big day planned for the boys and families that were visiting. "Little Joe" has had a hard time lately, missing his big brother...and I mean BIG!!! Looking at these pictures it is amazing that there is only 16 months between them. "Hoss" just keeps growing and growing....remember he is only 13 years old. God continues to work in his life and we are so thankful for that.

"Hoss" was able to participate in the first 2010 rodeo event at Agape. He is the boy with the orange bandana on . This was the chute dogging event. He was able to grab the steer by the head and hold him eventually so the other boys on his team could grab the tag on his tail.

Brothers together again...just for a day...

Dad and son....forever....bound by ties that will never break.

The fireworks display was one of professional quality. The show lasted for about 45 minutes and the grand finale was truly grand. This was the first time in 10 months that "Hoss" was able to see the moon and the night sky.

Great Grandpa Rootbeer

Let me introduce you to a very special man. Rupert Martin Stebbins, Sr., hence the name, Great Grandpa Rootbeer..for all I ever remember him drinking was root beer pop.

My grandfather is one of those grandpas who has etched so many wonderful memories in my heart and mind. He is still alive and now, my own children, have their memories...

~ that squeaky kiss, the noise enters your ears and travels all the way to your toes.

~ real maple syrup being given to us on a tablespoon, just like candy.

~ wonderful stories of his air force days, stories from yester-year, stories from a day when life was much different- harder but better.

~ Although my precious young ones are adopted, they have never questioned whether Great Grandpa Rupert was their own. He embraced them just like all the other grandchildren. This has meant so much to me.

~ Climbing up in that beautiful orange tree and savoring those delicious oranges..yum.

Grandpa, You have given me such great memories of family time. You are loved by so many who are honored to call you family. Although you find yourself under the weather, always know that there are so many who are praying for you.

I wish all mankind had a grandfather like you.

I miss you and love you.

It Has Been 2 Months...

But, is she really gone? There are times I think this is all a dream...

I see her smiling face looking at me from the gold frame as my head lays down on the soft pillow. As I bring the blanket up around me, I remember...

~ Her eyes. Mom always had a twinkle in her eye. At her memorial, that was one of the things spoken of from the time she met dad to the very end of her life.

~ Her laugh. As she aged it diminished some, but my memory of her and her friend, Anne Habeth, laughing together, will always be in my mind.

~ Her love. Her hugs were full of love. She gave of herself freely. Raising 4 children and loving those who were not her own was her feat. Teenage fostering was a tough job. She and dad did it well.

I, now, force myself to stop thinking with my feelings and think with Truth.

Mom is gone from this life, but not gone. I Corinthians 15: 50-58 reminds me where my hope lies. "I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

"Death is swallowed up in victory." "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

I would love to hear Mom's voice again, to feel her arms around me, to be encouraged by her words, but this can't happen. I miss her immensely. The pain is so deep at times, I find myself in darkness, just walking by faith, not seeing what's ahead. BUT, this is where my Jesus wants me. Faith in Him knowing He holds all things together. And holds Mom with Him waiting for the day we are reunited.

Whom Do You Boast In?

Today at morning devotions, the Puebla Ponderosa read 2 Corinthians 10:12,17-18

"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. But, 'Let him who boasts boast in the Lord.' For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends."

It is so easy for us to boast in ourselves or our accomplishments. But, God has given us every gift we have. He bestows on us the talents, energy and spiritual gifts to bless others.

When we serve, do we do it to be seen by others?

When we give, do we give to be seen by others?

When we use our talents from the Lord do we give Him the glory?

The next time someone praises you, respond with giving glory to the One who made it possible.

Oh, may our mouths and lives give Him the credit for all.